Friday, December 11, 2009

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Friday, November 13, 2009

The Problems of Avoidance

Avoidance is only easier in the short term - it usually creates greater problems later on:

Your avoidance is probably based on discomfort-intolerance. You see that taking responsibility and confronting unpleasant situations is uncomfortable (which it usually is), but irrationally regard that discomfort as 'awful', 'unbearable', and tell yourself that you must avoid it at all costs
The problems of avoidance
• Avoiding decisions or action maintains tension and leaves problems unsolved.
• Action and persistence are needed to break unwanted patterns of behaviour and achieve personal change.
• A life of superficial involvement leads to boredom and dissatisfaction.
• Commitment is required for confidence to develop. You don’t, for example, develop confidence in playing a musical instrument unless you commit yourself to practising with it.

Taking responsibility for your emotions and behaviours lays the basis for taking control over your life and committing yourself to action and involvement.
• Actively pursuing your goals, rather than waiting and dreaming.
• Choosing to work at managing stress, developing your potential, and changing things you dislike, rather than just drifting along or expecting a miracle to occur.

There are two elements to commitment:
1. Perseverance. The ability to bind yourself emotionally and intellectually to courses of action. This involves a willingness to do the necessary work (and tolerate the discomfort involved) in personal change and goal-achievement.
2. Deep involvement. The ability to enjoy and become absorbed in (but not addicted to) other people, activities and interests as ends in themselves - where you get pleasure from the doing, irrespective of the final result. This may include such areas as work, sports, hobbies, creative activities, and the world of ideas.
Increase your commitment by making a decision now to develop one new interest in your life in which you will get absorbed. Commit yourself to taking some steps toward it over the next week or so. Feel uncomfortable? Use rational self-analysis and imagery to cope with the feelings involved.
Start confronting the things you have been avoiding.
Make the appointment with your doctor or dentist, sign up for that exercise programme, give up smoking — or whatever it is you have been putting off. Again, use rational self-analysis and imagery to cope with any discomfort involved.
Begin by making a list of avoided situations. Decide which to work on first. Next, carry out a rational self-analysis. This will prepare you, by reducing your anxiety and giving you new, rational beliefs to use when you are in the situation. When writing down your beliefs, use ‘What if’ questions to identify the worst possible outcomes you can foresee and how you would deal with them. For example, ‘What if I enter the situation? What will happen, what will I feel, and what will be the result?’ Get rid of any ideas that you must cope perfectly or avoid looking foolish

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Quick Tip on Managing Fear

Do you ever have fearful thoughts? Do you try to push those thoughts away because you want to avoid feelings and tension those thoughts produce. In trying to resist the thoughts you are actually getting the opposite effect. If I told you don’t think about pink elephants with pink polka dot tutu’s, it would be difficult not the think about the image.
The fear persists when resist and pull away from the thoughts and what happens is you engage in a mental tug of war. It is the mental struggle that fuels the fear. You are in resistance when you tell yourself “I don't want to think about this" "I don't like that thought- I want it to go away”, in saying that you actually reinforce the fear that causes the tension and stress
This may seem counter intuitive, however if you allow the thought and just notice it without attaching anything to it as if you were observing a cloud passing overhead, you simply watch it as it passes by. No judgment, no resistance, just observe. As the observer of the thought, you might say “there is that thought and ask what label have I given to that thought. Now imagine you could peel the label off the thought and re-label it energy and allow the energy disperse into the cloud and watch it float by you. Then the thought comes again, and once again you do exactly the same. Just notice it, watch it and then go about your activity. See it for what it is, one of the hundreds of fleeting sane and insane thoughts every one of us experiences daily.

You can become the master of your thoughts and turn this situation to your advantage. When things are going well and you are not worrying about anything in particular, actually invite one of your more regular fearful thoughts in! Call the fear to you -say you just want it to come close to observe- again sit back and examine it and allow it to just float away on the cloud. By taking control you become the master of your mind instead of the slave of your fear. You are taking charge and calling the shots this time by actually inviting the issue in you immediately reduces the impact of the fearful thought.
Once you begin to practice just being the observer, it will become easier over time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Stop Self Sabotage

What frustrates some people is, even when they have the desire to change, there is something in them that sabotages their well intentioned efforts. That something is usually a polarity, that is, when a "part" of you wants one thing and another "part " wants something else. You may not even have the awareness of the "parts" or the conflict. Both "parts" have different intentions. One "part" is about your desire and the other "part" is about providing protection in some form, base on a past perceived threat to your emotional or physical well being. The protection "part" was born from an experience a younger you stored in the archives of the mind as a belief and an emotion.That younger you made a decision and adopted a belief based on that specific situation,even though that event is over and in the past. That decision/belief is activated whenever something even remotely seems familiar to the initiating event or person.

Whether or not you need to change your beliefs is strictly a matter of your personal choice. I share this process in the spirit of providing assistance to those who desire to move themselves forward and live consciously instead of being hijacked and limited by unwanted emotions and habits

I assume you are willing to consider the possibility some part of you holds a belief which is currently limiting your ability to fulfill your desires. I will also assumes you want to change or eliminate such a belief. The most basic assumptions of this method are that some aspect of yourself is holding the belief for you. At some point in the past a younger you decided, consciously or unconsciously, the belief was useful to protect you from experiencing perceived pain,discomfort or danger. I assume you accept that some aspect of yourself began to hold that belief and cause it to be applied at any time that aspect felt it appropriate and that you realize that this response runs on auto pilot and is triggered when any situation or person seems like the originating event. and i assume you accept that it wouldn't necessarily be required to make itself or the belief known consciously, just apply the effect of the belief at appropriate times.This is a job the part is committed to being in charge of and it takes its job very seriously.

Steps in negotiating
1. Recognize you're being limited. You can't do what you desire to do.
2. Ask to communicate with the younger part of yourself responsible for the limiting belief.
3. Engage that aspect of yourself in conversation, dialogue with it.
ask what it wants for you that's positive
4 Thank the part for taking care of you
5 Ask the part what would it have to believe in order to do its job of protecting you
4. Understand what the belief is and how it operates to limit you.
5. Express the desire to change the belief in the situation you desire to have a new behavior
6 Ask the part to generate some new beliefs and ways to keep you safe but that allow you to have this new behavior.
7 Ask the part to commit to this new belief and allow the new behavior
8. Attempt to do what you desire to do again.
9 Continue to dialogue with that aspect of yourself as more facets of the limitation of the belief come up.
10. Repeat this process until you can do the new behavior even thinking about it. Then you know that aspect has incorporated the desired change in your belief.

Check back for my next note where I will give you a sample dialogue from a parts negotiation

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A Brief Introduction To Hypnosis

What is hypnosis?”

Many people think the idea of hypnosis is a little scary or weird. I understand! Some people think that they would give up control under hypnosis or that they will reveal a secret that they want to keep hidden,NOT TRUE. I use hypnosis extensively in my work to help clients reach their goals and improve their health and emotional well being, Through hypnosis we can get straight to the root cause of the presenting problem and save hours of talk therapy. The fact is most people are already in a trance state, feeling bad, feeling inadequate, feeling powerless or stuck, all of these states are symptoms of limiting trance states. So by definition we actually take you out of your trance and un-hypnotize you. Dr. Gerard Sunnen of the New York University School of Medicine called hypnosis “the most potent no pharmacological relaxing agent known to science.” The American Medical Association approved hypnosis as an appropriate tool for qualified professionals in 1958.
Hypnosis is simply a relaxed state of focused attention. By temporarily bypassing your conscious mind,it gives you the power to make behavioral changes at a deeper level than when you attempt to make changes at the conscious level.One way to think about it is that hypnosis increases the communication between your conscious desires (like losing weight),and the unconscious mind (where your true power to change exists).

"What Hypnosis Is Not"

It is not mind control,it is not programming you to do bad things,it does not give the hypnotherapist control over you.

“Will I lose control?”

Because of the movies and stage show acts,there is an erroneous perception that you will lose control when using hypnosis or somehow be under the "power" of the therapist. Nothing could be further from the truth.The power lies in y our mind, because while under hypnosis you have greater awareness than when you are fully awake and you retain all the power to select what you want to say or do. You won't do anything in a hypnotic state that you would not find acceptable in your normal awake state.In clinical hypnosis, you will be aware of what is going on and you will find you actually feel you have more control over yourself. The hypnosis is simply increasing your ability to communicate with yourself.
"Hypnosis is not mind control. It's a naturally occurring state of concentration; it's actually a means of enhancing your control over both your mind and your body."
— Dr. David Spiegel, Assoc. Chair of Psychiatry

"How do I know if am actually hypnotized?"

The experience of hypnosis is different for everyone. You might go very deep and not remember the session. In this case, it is obvious that you were under hypnosis. But for many people, hypnosis is much like reading a good book. You still aware of your environment and your internal dialogue.The depth of the trance has no effect on your results. The best way to notice if the hypnosis is working, in the case of weight loss hypnosis,is to notice your decisions during the day surrounding food and exercise. Gradually, it will be easier and easier to make the right decisions – but you will NOT be under anyones control !

“How will I get out of the hypnotic trance?”

You go into hypnotic trances every day naturally and come out naturally. For example,when you drive long distances and time just goes by because you are lost in thought,when suddenly you pop back in and wonder how you got to where you are.The trance in my program is very light (much like becoming engrossed in reading a good book).If the phone rings, you would hear it, and then decide whether to get up to answer, or if you would prefer to stay in the focused state of hypnosis.

"Can I listen to your hypnosis CD"S while sleeping?”

It is not a good idea to listen to the hypnosis sessions while lying down to go to bed. If you fall asleep,the sessions will not be effective. A great time to listen is in the morningwhen you wake up, or in the evening when you get home from work.

“Can I listen while driving?”

Absolutely not.
Never listen to a hypnosis session while driving or engaged in any activity that requires your attention. Please listen in a quiet place where you will be undisturbed, without operating a vehicle or any dangerous machine

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Decide to Change

What if you really knew that you are the master your own destiny? When I say "knew" I don't mean in the philosophical or intellectual sense but as definitive knowing, having absolutely no doubt in your mind. When you realize, that you can just by choosing to do something that more reflects what you want instead of what you are trying to avoid; you can create a life that you are eager to greet each day. Your fulfillment starts with this single decision; I choose to change what is not in alignment with my highest good. When you decided to change and commit to change what is not working in your life; you will begin the process of transforming your world to more reflect your dreams and aspirations and so it becomes something not to fear but an instinct worth embracing with confidence and self-trust. Yet actively choosing our own paths can sometimes seem daunting. So often we will do nothing in order not to risk making the wrong choice. And when we fail to choose a path and we do nothing, we are actually making a choice; only that choice is to remain in the status quo. Change just one self defeating habits a month and you will see a new world open up for you.
Almost synonymous with the fear of change is the fear of failure. Many people feel worried and anxious when they even think of undertaking new challenges because they doubt their abilities, their intelligence, their self-worth, or their capacity to overcome obstacles that may arise. They fear not measuring up, making a mistake, and being judged and humiliated. All these fear result from imagining that they will happen, mentally creating a future outcome that supports the worst case scenario. The possibility of failure threatens to dislodge their already low sense of worth and therefore does not merit the risk. Conversely, when self-worth is strong, fear may still exist, but it no longer has the power to destabilize forward movement. "Failure" is perceived as a temporary setback or as a potential learning experience. Strong self-esteem enables individuals to focus on taking the steps necessary to ensure success, expressing itself in an unfolding of the self, the ability to strive, learn, and embrace new challenges and experiences.

Fear of success is the flip-side of fear of failure. Many people are ultimately afraid of unleashing their full potential, not because they fear they will fail, but because they fear their power and their ability to succeed. They fear forging ahead and blazing their own trails, turning their dreams into reality. The idea of embracing happiness and truly succeeding may evoke many limiting beliefs stemming from low self-worth. For instance, many people doubt whether they deserve happiness or whether sustained happiness is even possible. Or, they worry that success may somehow "taint" them. Others dwell on the potentially negative reaction of their friends and family members, concerned about losing love and acceptance due to envy, jealousy, and resentment. Their need for external validation may cause them to choose to compromise themselves and their dreams rather than risk the possibility of jeopardizing the "acceptance" they cling to. Such beliefs tap into deep-seated self-doubt, and often result in self-sabotage.

Restricting one's abilities and withholding one's brilliance truly serves no one. As Nelson Mandela stated in his Inaugural speech, "We ask ourselves - who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

When we come from a place of non-negotiable self worth and trust, fear of failure and fear of success give way to faith in ourselves, the Universe, and the process of life. We are able to tap into inner resources, take risks, push past limitations, and forge ahead. The unknown is perceived as a challenging, exciting adventure.
So the catalyst for real change is to begin to examine your core beliefs and your habits in relationship to your goals and notice if they are alignment .The UN Method Belief and Habit mapping process will guide you to uncover yourself defeating core beliefs and underlying supporting thoughts and resulting habit patterns and provide you the tools to make lasting change.

Friday, July 31, 2009


Think about all the time you waste worrying about things, that never come to pass, or weren't as bad as you imagined.The key word here is imagined.I have found that worrying is probably the most universal form of self-sabotage. It is a worst case scenario, fear-based, self-destructive mind-set. Focused on perceived potential problems or dangers, it projects perceived limitations of self, or worst case scenario into the future. What happens when we go out into the future Pseudo orienting in time, our mind does not know it is not happening; instead we get all the attending feelings as if what we fear is true and happening in the moment hence, we go into flight and fight response and that fuels fear and anxiety.

Chronic worrying not only generates unease, anxiety, and fear, but can also limit clear thinking and perception, block creativity, and result in inefficiency and inaction. Despite the fact that many people are aware that worry is wasted mental energy, they often continue to worry because they perceive it to be beneficial on some level.

Worrying typically has its roots in outdated protective or modeled strategies adopted in childhood. Some people began worrying as children as a form of hyper-vigilance, usually arising from an emotionally unstable family environment. Worry may also have been used to envision possible future scenarios in order to prevent, avoid, or protect from unpredictable negative experiences. These strategies are fundamentally grounded in childhood feelings of powerlessness, self-doubt, and lack of self-confidence in one's ability to deal with life.

Worrying may also have been employed as a strategy to protect against the rejection and hurt associated with making mistakes. In childhood, some people were humiliated, blamed, or punished when they made an error. They did not learn that mistakes can be a part of growth and change. Rather, they learned to associate making mistakes with experiencing pain. As a result, worrying may have been developed as an attempt to avoid making future errors.

As children, some people subconsciously internalized their parents' worried mind-sets and beliefs. When I was young, my parents worried constantly, and I subconsciously adopted their anxious perspective as my own. The behavior modeled by his parents led him to believe that thinking and worrying were synonymous with being a good parent so when I had children I worried about them. A client came to see me to address her feelings of constant agitation at work. In her session, she discovered that her demanding father had only believed she was trying hard at her homework when she appeared to be worrying about it. As a result, she had subconsciously equated worrying with trying her best, and this limiting belief had been manifesting ever since.

Worry is so universally pervasive that many people take it for granted as a normal part of who they are. Upon conscious reflection, many of my clients report that more than half of their waking hours are consumed by worry. They also find that their sleep is disturbed by worry-filled dreams. No wonder they typically report feeling fatigued and worn out! Compulsive worrying is mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. Not only can worry snowball into nervousness, anxiety, and even depression, it can also manifest physiologically in symptoms such as compromised immune function, insomnia, fatigue, headaches, body tension, teeth grinding, nail biting, and increased blood pressure. Constant worrying can interfere with one's ability to think clearly, inhibit decision-making, and tie up inner resources such as creativity (used to concoct many possible future scenarios), analysis (used to interpret these scenarios), and concentration (required to focus on these scenarios), etc.

Although worrying can be self-defeating and destructive, it often persists unabated because many people consciously and/or subconsciously believe that worrying is beneficial. One easy way to reveal your beliefs about worrying is to consider what you think would happen if you stopped worrying. Common responses I hear are, "If I didn't worry, it would mean I was cold and callous and didn't care about my family" or "If I didn't worry, I would just let everything go and my life would be chaotic."As these examples indicate, worrying has been falsely equated with being loving, caring, responsible, and in control. Worrying has also been mistaken for planning, problem-solving, analyzing, learning, and self-improvement. In truth, however, worry is none of the above. Worry is simply worry.

Chronic worrying is symptomatic of underlying limiting beliefs and deeply held automatic patterns entrenched in the subconscious mind. When these fear-based beliefs are healed, self-confidence, creativity, and self-trust are restored. All of the personal talents, abilities, and qualities that have been blanketed by worry can be liberated, making it possible for people to think more clearly, see more options, experience being more in command of them, and live more fully. Freed from the emotional and mental burdens of worrying, people can embrace the present and face the future with greater inner security, knowing they can rise to any occasion, come what may.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Age Regression

Have you ever gone home to visit your family and suddenly you feel small when your mom asks you probing questions or gives you advice? If you answered yes then you were experiencing Age regression. You instantly reverted to a childhood emotional state which may be triggered by a look or comment, a memory, a visual cue, a feeling, a sound, or even a smell. Instantaneously, one finds oneself five or seven or ten years old again: childhood feelings, thoughts, and perspectives overtake the mind. Helplessness may explode in a rush of rage; abandonment may pool into a flood of paralyzing grief. In these highly charged moments, the ability to discern, think clearly, analyze, and respond to present circumstances is blinded by raw emotion. One may feel powerless, attacked, unloved, neglected, or ashamed, etc. When age regression occurs, one's feelings and reactions are uncontrollable, exaggerated, and often inappropriate to the present situation. One falls back into the behaviors, mind-sets, coping strategies, and defense mechanisms formed at a very young age, such as becoming defensive, withdrawing, retreating, hiding, shutting down, controlling, or numbing out. These reactions feel perfectly normal and justifiable to the person in the midst of this emotional state, but may leave him or her confused and frustrated once the adult state of consciousness has returned.

When an individual regresses to a younger version of himself, he is tapping very deep unresolved wells of childhood emotion. Growing up, a child's internal emotional environment is sculpted by the reactions, beliefs, emotions, and messages of parents, siblings, teachers, close family members, classmates, and friends. If, for example, a child grows up being shamed, criticized, teased, or invalidated, he may unquestioningly accept these judgments as truth and conclude at a deep level that he is unlovable and not good enough, that he doesn't belong. As a result, other people's beliefs about him (projections of their own low self-worth) become his uncontested beliefs about himself. These negative views and painful raw emotions eventually comprise part of the child's subconscious landscape, remaining alive deep within the mind. It is these holding tanks of unresolved low self-esteem and pain that get re-experienced later in life when, as an adult, some trigger reactivates the deeply stored pain.

In addition to the intense, unresolved emotions that are re-experienced during age regression, one also taps into subconscious parts of the mind that were created to cope with the original childhood distress. According to The UN Method a results-based belief change technology, the mind is comprised of a multitude of such subconscious parts, each formed during childhood to help, protect, and serve us. Each part has its own age and belief systems, emotional and behavioral patterns, and coping strategies. For instance, a person who grew up in a highly critical environment may have a part dedicated to dissociating her feelings from her body whenever emotional pain becomes too intense. Another part may have the job of being a chameleon to fulfill other people's expectations to attain love and acceptance. Or, she may have developed a part that uses harsh self-denigration in an attempt to soften the blow of any further external criticism. Regardless of the success or failure of these coping strategies, they have become parts of her subconscious makeup. If this person grew into adulthood without resolving these subconscious feelings and protective reactions, any external criticism may trigger the release of her unresolved childhood feelings.

The UN Method has excellent success resolving age regression. Through a gentle yet powerful process, a practitioner can guide a person to consciously reconnect to the subconscious parts of him or herself that are in pain, in order to heal at the deepest level. When subconscious pain is resolved, the deep childhood emotional void is made whole. This results in the person's ability to respond effortlessly to the circumstances that once triggered him or her, as emotional development has been freed and enabled to progress healthfully.

According to one's level of self-awareness, age regression can last for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. Indeed, some people live their lives in a perpetually age regressed state. When these emotional backslides are treated at the subconscious level, where they originate, emotional parts of the mind that have remained frozen in time at a younger age can be healed, chronologically updated, and integrated with the conscious mind. As a result, one lives empowered, self-confident, and able to choose how to respond to any given situation.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Demanding: When Wants Become Needs

When we set inflexible rules and we turn desires into needs we cause ourselves and others unnecessary emotional pain. When preferences become musts, guidelines become unbending rules and should we are turning wants into needs is this is called demanding.

What Is Demanding?
Demanding is a way of thinking - with two variations: ‘moralizing’ and ‘must’ing.

Moralizing: refers to the way humans turn guidelines (which may be perfectly reasonable and helpful) into absolute demands and requirements. When we say that something ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be a certain way, it implies that there is a ‘Law ‘which humans should never fail to observe and that there is only one way for people to behave ,think or act. Moralizing often leads to people-rating and criticizing; when we or others do not behave as we ‘ought to’, this means we label ourselves or others as flawed, bad, immoral ,wrong or evil.

“Must”ing: is taking a want or desire and turning it into an absolute need or must. We think that because we want to be liked, therefore we must be liked; or because we want to avoid pain, therefore we must avoid it at all costs. Awfulizing usually goes along with musts - we erroneously believe that it would be awful or intolerable if our ‘needs’ were not met.

Demands Are Exaggerated Preferences
Rules and wants are an everyday fact of life. They can be helpful or unhelpful, reasonable or unreasonable. A particular ‘rule for living’ may be relevant to our current circumstances - or it may be outdated and no longer relevant or useful. A want is a preference; it can be achievable, or impossible. Whether or not our rules and wants are appropriate they are unlikely to cause us any problems.

Problems arise when we inflate our preferences into needs just because we want/demand the world/people to be and behave a certain way and we beleive that it “should be” so and we demand it. This distortion comes from the idea that If we desire something, then we must have it. This is the heart of demanding - the exaggeration of a preference into a necessity.

The Cost of Demanding
In the real world things often are different than how we would like them to be. By turning our wants into demands, we set ourselves up to be frustrated by reality. In fact, demanding is the underlying cause of many human problems.
Take anxiety. We often catastrophize about what will happen if a need is not met or a rule is broken. We tend to try to over control . We get anxious by demanding rigid standards - especially when we think we might feel guilty or put ourselves down if we do not match up. Performance demands can make us so uptight, our achievement level drops. We set ourselves up for failure.

Demanding can lead to obsessive or compulsive behaviors - reading a boring book right through, finishing a meal when already full, over-checking the locks at night to ensure security, washing one’s hands all the time to avoid infection, vacuuming the house twice a day, and the like. People often keep on with things that are not in their interests because they think they have no choice.

Demanding is the main cause of hostile anger. We get angry when our ‘needs’ are not met, or when people do not behave as we think they ‘should’. One can often turn this anger on ourselves and become depressed. Because "shoulds" conflict with wants, we can find it hard to make decisions, ask others for what we want or act on our own wishes. We might do things we dislike out of a sense of duty, but still feel frustrated or resentful.
If we think that we need love, sex, attention, consideration and affection, our demands can turn people off. We can also get resentful or jealous when others do not behave as they ‘ought to’, or when they treat us ‘unfairly’.

Why Do We Demand?
Given that demanding is so unhelpful, why do we do it? To begin with, we are taught to. From our earliest days we are surrounded by "shoulds" and should nots. Most people communicate with others in these terms.Demanding may serve subconscious purposes. It can be a convenient way to justify our wants. Vincent, for instance, found it easier to tell himself and others that he ‘needed’ sex - rather than just admit he wanted it. This also enabled him to put pressure on his wife: ‘I need it so you should give it to me.’ It’s tempting to deny responsibility for our own wants and demand that others give to us because they ‘should’ or it’s their ‘duty’.

Demanding Is A Way To Avoid Thinking.
Instead of working out for ourselves why we might want things to be a certain way, it’s simpler to fall back on: ‘It should be that way.’ We can also use this to push our values on to other people without having to justify them. You cannot argue with a law of the universe.

Demanding may arise from fear. As we saw in the previous chapter, human beings desire physical and emotional comfort. This is fine if we just prefer it. Unfortunately, though, we often tell ourselves that discomfort is awful and intolerable; so, to avoid it, certain things must or must not happen. In effect, we are afraid of our own feelings.

Many people believe that demanding helps motivate them. They use self-talk like: ‘I should get up earlier in the morning’; ‘I must get that project finished tonight’; or ‘I have to make a good job,’ thinking that this will help them get moving. The trouble is it often has the opposite effect. It’s as though one part of you says ‘I should do this,’ but another part says: ‘I will not be bossed around!’ As a result, you resist your own should. Trying to motivate other people with demands often has the same effect - it turns them off.

From Demands to Preferences
You do not need the pain that demanding creates. There is a solution. The first step is to understand what needs are and what are not.
While there are many things we might want, there are, in reality, few things that are absolute necessities. We need air, food, clothing and shelter. We do not ‘need’ success, love, approval, or friends - no matter how much we may want them. Our lives will be better if we have these things, but we can survive without.
You do not have to give up your values
To get rid of your demands does not mean giving up what is important to you. Hold onto your ideas and values - but hold them as preferences.
Stop moralizing about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Take a more practical approach.

Focus On The Outcomes Of Rules, Behaviors, or Decisions.
Ask yourself questions like the following:
•Is this behavior/rule helpful or unhelpful - and in what ways?
•Will it advance or hinder me in achieving my goals?
•Does it create emotions I can handle? Or does it leave me distressed and immobilized?
•Does it promote my own and other’s aims and survival? Or does it lead me to act in harmful ways?
•Does this belief help me keep in touch with the real world? Or does it contain misinterpretations, catastrophizing, demands, or self/other-ratings?
•Is it flexible - does it allow for exceptions when appropriate?

We are not suggesting an attitude of ‘I don't care.’ Guidelines are important. To check out those you took on as a child, and review them as circumstances change, is to show respect for the importance of guiding principles in your life.
Also, a flexible, preferring philosophy is not a self-centered one. It is in your own long-term interests to consider the goals, wants, and concerns of other people (in other words, their preferences) along with your own.

Having Choice
A helpful value is one you have chosen to adopt. It serves some useful purposes. It helps you and others achieve what is important to you both. Above all, it’s a preference rather than a must.


Holding preferences instead of demands means accepting yourself, others, and the world around you. People often misunderstand the idea of acceptance. They think that to accept something means one has to agree with it and give up trying to change it.
But that is not what it means at all. To accept something is to recognize two things: (a) that it exists, and (b) that there is no universal law which says it should not exist. You may not like it. You might want to do something to change it (and perhaps plan to). But you avoid demanding that it not be as it is.
This is important for several reasons. First, if you tell yourself that something should not be the way it is, you are really saying that reality should not exist! Have you ever heard, for instance, people say: ‘You cannot do that’ about something which someone has already done?
Second, it’s helpful to say that you do not like something and would prefer to change it. This can motivate you to take action. But demanding a reality not exist is more likely to create disabling feelings such as despair or hostile anger.
Finally, if you avoid hurting yourself over current realities, you will be better equipped to start changing them.
Getting Demands Back To Preferences
Get those ‘musts’ back into perspective. Here are some examples of demands turned into preferences:

Demand vs Preference
I need to feel good and avoid physical or emotional pain at all times vs I’d prefer to feel good and avoid pain, but demanding this will guarantee that I get uptight!
Everything I do must be to a high standard vsHigh standards are desirable - but not always essential. Making them into musts will only get me anxious (and, probably, inhibit my performance).
Difficulties and handicaps should not exist vs Difficulties and handicaps do exist. Demanding will not make them go away. Better to change them, if possible - otherwise learn to live with them.
I must have love and approval from everyone who is significant to me vs Love and approval are good to have. But they are not essential to my survival. As I will not always get them, better I learn to depend less on them.
If you want something badly enough, then it’s a need vs The ‘need’ exists in my head. If I believe it, though, I will upset myself when my ‘need’ is not met.
Other people must always behave in a correct and right fashion for life to be bearable vs In real life, people do not always behave correctly. There is no reason they should - though many reasons I’d prefer them to.
My circumstances must always be perfect and right for me to be happy vs My circumstances are not always going to suit me. Better to change what I can, otherwise accept what I cannot.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Identifying Coping Strategies

Aversion Strategy

 Discounting: the message you send to your partner is that their needs are invalid. They do not have the magnitude the importance of your needs

 Withdrawal/Abandonment: The message here is do what I want or I am leaving. Either you threaten to leave physically or you threaten or actually dropout emotionally. The threat of abandonment is so frightening that a partner may be willing to give up a great deal [themselves} to avoid Example I: “I don’t think this is working, If you can’t be there for me when I need you to do something then I don’t think I have any business being in this relationship. {The message is do what I want or you will be alone} Example 2: partner announces they are going to a class reunion the response is.” Do what you want, but I am not interested in going with you. I have some heavy television watching to do. I will see you later. The message.”[Don’t go because I don’t want to and if you don’t do what I want, I am checking out emotionally with the TV:

 Threats: With this strategy the partner commits to actively hurting the other as a means of control .The price can be too high in the coin of resentment.
o Example: if you do not do what I want {sexually} then I will find someone who will. [The message do what I want or I’ll hurt you
o Example: If you do not take that job then I will call your family and tell them what a looser you are. The message, 'does what I want or I’ll hurt you

 Blaming: The method here is to make your needs the other persons fault Example: “. If you could tell me how you really feel then I would not have to live in this emotional void. Look I am asking you to tell me what is going on with you. Knock, knock anybody in there?’ [The basic message: I feel empty because you are inadequate] Another form of blaming is to make your partners needs their own fault. Example: ‘If you would have gone with me to my mom’s like I asked you too then the car would not have been broken into and you would not have to deal with all this schlepping and insurance issues”. [The message ‘you created the problem now you fix it”]

 Belittling/Denigrating: Here the strategy is to make your partner feel foolish and inappropriate for having needs different from yours. Using shame as a lever to control. Example: "Why do you always want to go to the beach when you get a sinus headache every time you go” The message: going to the beach is a stupid thing to want. Example 2: Your friends are all idiots, why can’t we be involved with people who are capable of intelligent conversation. The message; “Your friends have no value give them up.

 Guilt tripping: This strategy conveys the message that a partner is a moral failure for not supporting what you want. Example: Sees partner on the couch “I have spent the whole day at work and I came home and spend all my time cleaning to keep this house going and you can’t spend 15 minutes to fix the screen door. You are in love with that couch. I can see your main goal in life is to keep your feet off the floor at all times” The basic message: Look at how hard I work. Your desire to rest is unfair are bad]

 Derailing: You respond to your partners l need by switching the conversational focus. The covert message is that the partner’s needs and desire are not worth talking about. Example: I know I know you want more time off from the kids but I have too much going on at work to deal with this right now. I have only two days to get all this work done. Did you get my suit from the cleaners? Tell Susie I want to see a perfect score on her spelling test. [The basic message is my needs are more important]

 Projection/ Transference / Shoot the Messenger: You respond to your partner's with anger when they point out a problem that you have chosen to deny or ignore. Being reminded of the need to fix the problem fuels your own guilt. You are angry at the fact that you have the problem in the first place and because you have mixed feelings about how to deal with the issue, you do nothing. And then blame your partner for evoking your feelings of anxiety. You project your own feelings of anxiety as being caused by the person who reminds you of the problem or asks you to when you are about the problem. Instead of taking ownership of your decision and recognizing that you are creating your feelings you, get angry with the messenger. [The basic message is” it’s your entire fault I feel this way. I am not responsible. I am not interested in what you think or feel the only feelings that count are my feelings and I don’t want to have them and you want to make me … you are bad because you remind me.

Identifying Your Role

1. How have you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist
3. How do you participate in perpetuating
4. What do you do to make it worse
 Thoughts
 Spoken words
 Actions
 Reactions
 Silent intentions
 Subsequent behaviors

Payoffs for Indulging Negative Behaviors

 I get to look good compared to my partner
 It gives an excuse for not trying harder
 I don’t have to put in a lot of effort
 I can avoid looking to closely at myself
 I can’t fail if I don’t try
 I can force my partner to leave and look like the good one or victim
 I can demand what I want because my partner feels guilty
 I look good compared to my partner
 I don’t have to make tough choices
 I can avoid a confrontation or fight
 I secretly enjoy the drama
 I can keep my vulnerable parts hidden
 I can blame my partner for not having a better life myself
 I have an excuse for being unfaithful
 My partner leaves me alone
 I have an excuse for not spending more time at home
 It gives mean excuse for not trying harder
 I can’t fail if I don’t try
 It serves my partner right
 It is safer than facing it
 Its easier than fixing it
 I am afraid to be alone
 I get attention even though it is negative
 It hides my own faults
 I get people to feel sorry for me
 It gives me the upper hand

Identifying Your Cognitive Distortions

Identifying Your Cognitive Distortions

 Tunnel Vision: When you filter out all the positive aspects of your partner’s behavior /intentions or the relationship itself and focus exclusively on the parts that feel hurtful or deficient. It is a kind of selective attention where some parts of the picture receive intensive obsession while other parts drop from awareness

 Assumed intent: This is mind reading what you think are, the other motives and intention without any direct knowledge
You form an opinion and negative assumption that explains why your partner acts the way they do.

Magnification/Awfulizing: You exaggerate the effects of your partner’s behavior or you focus on future catastrophic possibilities.

 Global labeling: Here you place a negative nametag on your partner, a label that acts like a global indictment of their personality or performance. Global labels not only criticize behavior, they tar the identity of the spouse. Example he is lazy, she is negative, a complainer, neurotic, crazy, a nagger, a liar etc

 Good/ Bad Dichotomizing: You sense reality in simple back and white. Your partner’s behavior is good or bad, wrong or right. Good means that it meets your need bad means it does not. Once these labels are attached, it is hard to see all the complex motivations and needs that influence every interpersonal event.

 Fractured Logic/Complex Equivalence: This is when you take an event or behavior and attach an unsubstantiated explanation on it. He is late that means he does‘t love me .We are not getting along that means we are heading for a divorce. She is upset that means she hates me.

 Control Fallacies: Here your thoughts pull to one of two extremes. Either you see yourself as very responsible for your partner’s needs, feelings and happiness (and therefore a failure if there are any problems in these areas) or you feel out of control and helpless to make positive changes for your self or your partner either end of the controlling continuum gets you in trouble. Either you are to blame for everything or you feel powerless because you feel your partner is in control.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Identify your Defense Style:

Identify your Defense Style:

When events and interactions make you aware of a feeling that you have labeled as bad, hurt or angry, you will to defend against it in the same way you that you choose to respond to your parental environment. Your experience has taught you that using this defense will block or diminish how bad you feel. The defenses most typically used in intimate relationships are avoidance, denial, and acting out [turning a feeling into behavior]

Feelings triggered by intimate relationships where people defend:

Rejection or abandonment,Guilt
Hurt.Shame or humiliation
Feeling unlovable or unworthy,Failure
Loneliness, Jealousy
Emptiness, Numbness or deadness
Feeling drained, Feeling wrong or bad
Feeling controlled or engulfed, Sadness
Fear, Loss

Identify your Defenses
Avoidance Defense

§ Turning Away: You turn your focus to outside relationships family, friends or instead of your partner
§ Turning off: This defense uses coldness and emotional withdrawal to protect from painful feelings
§ Triangulating: This involves adding a third person to the dyad. You begin to invest romantic or sexual energy in someone outside of your relationship
§ Addiction: Addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping and virtually any form of excitement as a way of coping with painful feelings.
§ Compulsive Activity: Workaholics, projects, hobbies, sports and virtually any enterprise that siphons time at the expense of the relationship.
§ Giving up: This defense involves stopping all effort, going on strike or waving the white flag of surrender

Denial Defense

§ Showing Nothing: There are two version of this defense;
§ In the first, you fear rejection and avoid revealing anything about yourself. In the other version it involves situations where you feel hurt and angry but do not let your partner know they got to you.
§ Compliance: In this case the effort is to be perfect, pleasing, placating. Accommodating. To be what ever the partner wants. The hope is if you are perfect then no one can hurt you. At the root of this is feeling unlovable.
§ Competing: This defense requires that you be better than you partner is; a better parent more creative, more generous to compensate for deep feelings of unworthiness
§ Boasting. This defense is very closely associated to competing but it is more brazen. The effort is to block feelings of unworthiness by constantly pointing to evidence of ones value.
§ Distracting: In this defense, you derail attention from
any situation or issue that triggers painful feelings. Rather than experiencing the feelings one would change the subject
§ Forgetting: You let important, but disturbing things slip out of your mind. If example someone admonishes you and you begin to feel badly about yourself you would handle the painful feeling by promptly forgetting everything they said.

Acting Out Defense

§ Attacking: This defense turns pain into anger either verbal or physical. You push painful feelings, like helpless, inadequate, or powerless, away with anger.

§ Passive aggressive: This defense acts out anger indirectly. The idea is to hurt your partner in a way that will not trigger blame or backlash. Blaming another is central to this defense.

§ Fault Finding: In a defense you act out hurt or angry feeling by criticizing, ridiculing. Or sarcastically belittling your partner. Finding fault is passionless anger.

§ Revenge In this defense you act out hurt or angry feelings by consciously planning strategies designed to hurt your partner at some future time.

§ Demanding: People who are fearful of rejection, abandonment, or hurt often cope by demanding. They act out their fear by requiring that a partner provide a high degree of support, help or attention. Another version of the demanding is over control. This strategy is often used jealousy is a factor The jealous partner seeks to diminish their fear by monitoring and controlling the relationship

§ Self-Blame: This defense can be summarized, as “You are right I’m awful." You cope with your fears of rejection by rejecting yourself first. When you are excoriating yourself the other person may take it in like a form of manipulation rather than an honest admission.
Fear of Change
We are the masters of our own destiny, yet actively choosing our own paths can sometimes be intimidating. People have the ability to create positive changes in their lives, yet distorted fear-based perceptions often act as a road block ,so intertia sets in Fear of failure and fear of success are two common aspects of the fear of change, both reflecting similar negative beliefs of low self-worth and self-doubt. When strong self-worth is present, however, change can be welcomed as an opportunity for growth, forward movement, and personal fulfilment. Almost synonymous with the fear of change is the fear of failure. Many people feel worried and anxious when they even think of undertaking new challenges because they doubt their abilities, their intelligence, their self-worth, or their capacity to overcome obstacles that may arise. They fear not measuring up, making a mistake, and being judged and humiliated. The possibility of failure threatens to dislodge their already low sense of worth and therefore does not merit the risk. Conversely, when self-worth is strong, fear may still exist, but it no longer has the power to destabilize forward movement. "Failure" is perceived as a temporary setback or as a potential learning experience. Strong self-esteem enables individuals to focus on taking the steps necessary to ensure success, expressing itself in an unfolding of the self, the ability to strive, learn, and embrace new challenges and experiences. Fear of success is the flip-side of fear of failure. Many people are ultimately afraid of expereincing their full potential, not because they fear they will fail, but because they fear their power and their ability to succeed. They fear forging ahead , turning their dreams into reality. The idea of embracing happiness and truly succeeding may evoke many limiting beliefs stemming from low self-worth. For instance, many people doubt whether they deserve happiness or whether sustained happiness is even possible. Or, they worry that success may somehow "taint" them. Others dwell on the potentially negative reaction of their friends and family members, concerned about losing love and acceptance due to envy, jealousy, and resentment. Their need for external validation may cause them to choose to compromise themselves and their dreams rather than risk the possibility of jeopardizing the "acceptance" they cling to. Such beliefs tap into deep-seated self-doubt, and often result in self-sabotage.Restricting one's abilities and withholding one's brilliance truly serves no one. As Nelson Mandela stated in his Inaugural speech, "We ask ourselves - who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."When we come from a place of non-negotiable self worth and trust, fear of failure and fear of success give way to faith in ourselves, the Universe, and the process of life. We are able to tap into inner resources, take risks, push past limitations, and forge ahead. The unknown is perceived as a challenging, exciting adventure. Change becomes something not to fear but an instinct worth embracing with confidence and self-trust.

Monday, January 19, 2009

How Vulnerable Are You To Stress Test

How Vulnerable Are You To Stress?
In modern society, most of us can't avoid stress. But we can learn to behave in ways that lessen its effects. Researchers have identified a number of factors that affect one's vulnerability to stress - among them are eating and sleeping habits, caffeine and alcohol intake, and how we express our emotions. The following questionnaire is designed to help you discover your vulnerability quotient and to pinpoint trouble spots. Rate each item from 1 (always) to 5 (never), according to how much of the time the statement is true of you. Be sure to mark each item, even if it does not apply to you - for example, if you don't smoke, circle 1 next to item six.



1. I eat at least one hot, balanced meal a day.
2. I get seven to eight hours of sleep at least four nights a week.
3. I give and receive affection regularly.
4. I have at least one relative within 50 miles, on whom I can rely.
5. I exercise to the point of perspiration at least twice a week.
6. I limit myself to less than half a pack of cigarettes a day.
7. I take fewer than five alcohol drinks a week.
8. I am the appropriate weight for me height.
9. I have an income adequate to meet basic expenses.
10. I get strength from my religious beliefs.
11. I regularly attend club or social activities.
12. I have a network of friends and acquaintances.
13. I have one or more friends to confide in about personal matters.
14. I am in good health (including eye-sight, hearing, teeth).
15. I am able to speak openly about my feelings when angry or worried.
16. I have regular conversations with the people I live with about domestic problems - for example, chores and money.
17. I do something for fun at least once a week.
18. I am able to organize my time effectively.
19. I drink fewer than three cups of coffee (or other caffeine-rich drinks) a day.
20. I take some quite time for myself during the day.
To get your score, add up the figures and subtract 20. A score below 10 indicates excellent resistance to stress. A score over 30 indicates some vulnerability to stress; you are seriously vulnerable if your score is over 50. You can make yourself less vulnerable by reviewing the items on which you scored three of higher and trying to modify them. Notice that nearly all them describe situations and behaviors over which you have a great deal of control. Concentrate first on those that are easiest to change - for example, eating a hot, balanced meal daily and having fun at least once a week - before tackling those that seem difficult.

Source:University of California, Berkeley Wellness Letter, August, 1985. Scale Developers: Lyle Miller and Alma Dell Smith of Boston University Medical Center.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Why Good Vibrations May Protect Mankind

In his book 'Power vs Force', David Hawkins calibrates people's emotions from levels 20 up to 1000. 20 being Shame which is perilously proximate to death. It’s destructive to emotional and psychological health, and makes us prone to physical illness.
At the other end of the scale at 700- 1000 is enlightenment. This is the level of the Great Ones such as Krishna, Buddha and Jesus. It is the peak of the evolutionary consciousness in the human realm.
All levels (which could be classed as vibration levels) below 200 are said to be energy draining, and below integrity. These vary from Guilt (30), Grief (75), Fear (100) up to Pride (175).
People feel positive as they reach Pride level. However Pride feels good only in contrast to the lower levels. Pride is defensive and vulnerable because it’s dependent upon external conditions, without which is can suddenly revert to a lower level.
At the 200 level, power first appears. Courage (200) is the zone of exploration, accomplishment, fortitude, and determination. People at this level put back into the world as much energy as they take; at the lower levels, populations as well as individuals drain energy from society without reciprocating.
Further levels include willingness (310), Acceptance (350) and Love (500).
This level is characterized by the development of a Love that is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It doesn’t fluctuate – its source isn’t dependent on external factors. Loving is a state of being. This is the level of true happiness.
Interesting facts from the book -
* The concept and theories behind these experiments were conducted over a 20 year period using a variety of Kinesiology tests and examinations.
* Kinesiology has an almost certain 100% accuracy reading every time. It will always reveal Yes, No, True, and False answers.
* Collective Consciousness: These experiments reveal that there is a higher power that connects everything and everyone.
* Everything calibrates at certain levels from weak to high including books, food, water, clothes, people, animals, buildings, cars, movies, sports, music etc.
* 85% of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200.
* The overall average level of human consciousness stands at 207.
* Human consciousness was dangling at below the 200 level (190) for many centuries before it suddenly rose up to its present level some time in the mid 1980s. Hence Nostradamus’s end of the world predictions may have been avoided (he made his predictions at a time when human consciousness was at below the 200 level). For the world to stay at levels below 200 over a prolonged period of time would cause a great imbalance that would undoubtedly lead to the destruction of all humanity.
* The power of the few individuals at the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses.
* 1 individual at level 300 counterbalances 90,000 individuals below level 200
* 1 individual at level 500 counterbalances 750,000 individuals below level 200
* 1 individual at level 700 counterbalances 70 million individuals below level 200
In other words, as a co creator of the world, if you vibrate at 200 and above you will be helping to raise the consciousness of mankind, and be a big part in creating a better world for everyone.
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Friday, January 2, 2009

Mind Trap

All books have the same “Author”, they flow from “The Source” of all things. It was not until I let go of the constant barrage from “The Mind” did I accept the guidance, available to all of us, from ‘Source Mind” and allow it to flow freely without judgments did this book begin to write itself.
The irony of writing “Never Mind Your Mind” was that I initially began, without noticing, to fall into “The Mind Trap”. I struggled for years with many false starts plagued by “MIND” with doubts about my ability to offer and write anything new and substantive(EGO). The inner dialogue went something like this “Who do you think you are to teach anyone anything “, “Who is going to want to publish anything by an unknown”, “You have never written anything before, you don’t know what you are doing”, “If your life isn’t perfect then you can’t claim this methods has efficacy”, “What the world needs is another self help book.”, “Everything you have to say has probably already been said, thought or done”
Before I knew it I was slipping back into Slavery. I began to question how I could have any doubts (ego). I knew “The Mind” was kicking it up a notch as it always had in the past whenever I was on the precipice of change and growth and so “MIND” rationalized that if I was going to teach others how to gain control over “Mind” how could I possibly have doubt(EGO) . “The Mind” gave me the problem of doubt and then the problem of having the problem, a great double bind. There it was, the litany of fear showing up as doubt, self recrimination, rejection, pseudo orientation in time, and more thoughts and thoughts about thoughts. Congratulation “MIND”, you did it again and I am not buying it.
Of course “The Mind “was just doing what “The Mind” does, and I realized I was given another opportunity to use “The Un- Method” to get back to once again being “The Master of Mind”. Now I must do what a Mind Master does. First I made the decision to question and I asked for evidence that proved whether my thoughts were true. I applied the UN -Method as I have done so many times before.
The questions were answered, was I really writing this book to teach others or to teach me, to remind me that I am not my mind? How could anyone reject my experience, only I could reject me? How could I criticize the value of my work before it was even finished, did I have a crystal ball that told me I would not get published? What outcome did I want instead? So I began the use the UN-Method to NEVER MIND MY [Persistent] MIND.
So I humbly offer and share my experience and awakening which led me toward my evolution to a higher level consciousness, with the sincere hope that you will resonate with the Un-Method I describe and use. Perhaps you too will begin to experience all the peace and joy you deserve, each page that “Source” has given me is evidence of my own evolution from “Mind Slave” to “Mind Master” and if I can do it so can you. Don’t believe me…believe for yourself. Go inside and Listen.