Friday, December 11, 2009

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Friday, November 13, 2009

The Problems of Avoidance

Avoidance is only easier in the short term - it usually creates greater problems later on:

Your avoidance is probably based on discomfort-intolerance. You see that taking responsibility and confronting unpleasant situations is uncomfortable (which it usually is), but irrationally regard that discomfort as 'awful', 'unbearable', and tell yourself that you must avoid it at all costs
The problems of avoidance
• Avoiding decisions or action maintains tension and leaves problems unsolved.
• Action and persistence are needed to break unwanted patterns of behaviour and achieve personal change.
• A life of superficial involvement leads to boredom and dissatisfaction.
• Commitment is required for confidence to develop. You don’t, for example, develop confidence in playing a musical instrument unless you commit yourself to practising with it.

Taking responsibility for your emotions and behaviours lays the basis for taking control over your life and committing yourself to action and involvement.
• Actively pursuing your goals, rather than waiting and dreaming.
• Choosing to work at managing stress, developing your potential, and changing things you dislike, rather than just drifting along or expecting a miracle to occur.

There are two elements to commitment:
1. Perseverance. The ability to bind yourself emotionally and intellectually to courses of action. This involves a willingness to do the necessary work (and tolerate the discomfort involved) in personal change and goal-achievement.
2. Deep involvement. The ability to enjoy and become absorbed in (but not addicted to) other people, activities and interests as ends in themselves - where you get pleasure from the doing, irrespective of the final result. This may include such areas as work, sports, hobbies, creative activities, and the world of ideas.
Increase your commitment by making a decision now to develop one new interest in your life in which you will get absorbed. Commit yourself to taking some steps toward it over the next week or so. Feel uncomfortable? Use rational self-analysis and imagery to cope with the feelings involved.
Start confronting the things you have been avoiding.
Make the appointment with your doctor or dentist, sign up for that exercise programme, give up smoking — or whatever it is you have been putting off. Again, use rational self-analysis and imagery to cope with any discomfort involved.
Begin by making a list of avoided situations. Decide which to work on first. Next, carry out a rational self-analysis. This will prepare you, by reducing your anxiety and giving you new, rational beliefs to use when you are in the situation. When writing down your beliefs, use ‘What if’ questions to identify the worst possible outcomes you can foresee and how you would deal with them. For example, ‘What if I enter the situation? What will happen, what will I feel, and what will be the result?’ Get rid of any ideas that you must cope perfectly or avoid looking foolish

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Quick Tip on Managing Fear

Do you ever have fearful thoughts? Do you try to push those thoughts away because you want to avoid feelings and tension those thoughts produce. In trying to resist the thoughts you are actually getting the opposite effect. If I told you don’t think about pink elephants with pink polka dot tutu’s, it would be difficult not the think about the image.
The fear persists when resist and pull away from the thoughts and what happens is you engage in a mental tug of war. It is the mental struggle that fuels the fear. You are in resistance when you tell yourself “I don't want to think about this" "I don't like that thought- I want it to go away”, in saying that you actually reinforce the fear that causes the tension and stress
This may seem counter intuitive, however if you allow the thought and just notice it without attaching anything to it as if you were observing a cloud passing overhead, you simply watch it as it passes by. No judgment, no resistance, just observe. As the observer of the thought, you might say “there is that thought and ask what label have I given to that thought. Now imagine you could peel the label off the thought and re-label it energy and allow the energy disperse into the cloud and watch it float by you. Then the thought comes again, and once again you do exactly the same. Just notice it, watch it and then go about your activity. See it for what it is, one of the hundreds of fleeting sane and insane thoughts every one of us experiences daily.

You can become the master of your thoughts and turn this situation to your advantage. When things are going well and you are not worrying about anything in particular, actually invite one of your more regular fearful thoughts in! Call the fear to you -say you just want it to come close to observe- again sit back and examine it and allow it to just float away on the cloud. By taking control you become the master of your mind instead of the slave of your fear. You are taking charge and calling the shots this time by actually inviting the issue in you immediately reduces the impact of the fearful thought.
Once you begin to practice just being the observer, it will become easier over time.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Stop Self Sabotage

What frustrates some people is, even when they have the desire to change, there is something in them that sabotages their well intentioned efforts. That something is usually a polarity, that is, when a "part" of you wants one thing and another "part " wants something else. You may not even have the awareness of the "parts" or the conflict. Both "parts" have different intentions. One "part" is about your desire and the other "part" is about providing protection in some form, base on a past perceived threat to your emotional or physical well being. The protection "part" was born from an experience a younger you stored in the archives of the mind as a belief and an emotion.That younger you made a decision and adopted a belief based on that specific situation,even though that event is over and in the past. That decision/belief is activated whenever something even remotely seems familiar to the initiating event or person.

Whether or not you need to change your beliefs is strictly a matter of your personal choice. I share this process in the spirit of providing assistance to those who desire to move themselves forward and live consciously instead of being hijacked and limited by unwanted emotions and habits

I assume you are willing to consider the possibility some part of you holds a belief which is currently limiting your ability to fulfill your desires. I will also assumes you want to change or eliminate such a belief. The most basic assumptions of this method are that some aspect of yourself is holding the belief for you. At some point in the past a younger you decided, consciously or unconsciously, the belief was useful to protect you from experiencing perceived pain,discomfort or danger. I assume you accept that some aspect of yourself began to hold that belief and cause it to be applied at any time that aspect felt it appropriate and that you realize that this response runs on auto pilot and is triggered when any situation or person seems like the originating event. and i assume you accept that it wouldn't necessarily be required to make itself or the belief known consciously, just apply the effect of the belief at appropriate times.This is a job the part is committed to being in charge of and it takes its job very seriously.

Steps in negotiating
1. Recognize you're being limited. You can't do what you desire to do.
2. Ask to communicate with the younger part of yourself responsible for the limiting belief.
3. Engage that aspect of yourself in conversation, dialogue with it.
ask what it wants for you that's positive
4 Thank the part for taking care of you
5 Ask the part what would it have to believe in order to do its job of protecting you
4. Understand what the belief is and how it operates to limit you.
5. Express the desire to change the belief in the situation you desire to have a new behavior
6 Ask the part to generate some new beliefs and ways to keep you safe but that allow you to have this new behavior.
7 Ask the part to commit to this new belief and allow the new behavior
8. Attempt to do what you desire to do again.
9 Continue to dialogue with that aspect of yourself as more facets of the limitation of the belief come up.
10. Repeat this process until you can do the new behavior even thinking about it. Then you know that aspect has incorporated the desired change in your belief.

Check back for my next note where I will give you a sample dialogue from a parts negotiation

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A Brief Introduction To Hypnosis

What is hypnosis?”

Many people think the idea of hypnosis is a little scary or weird. I understand! Some people think that they would give up control under hypnosis or that they will reveal a secret that they want to keep hidden,NOT TRUE. I use hypnosis extensively in my work to help clients reach their goals and improve their health and emotional well being, Through hypnosis we can get straight to the root cause of the presenting problem and save hours of talk therapy. The fact is most people are already in a trance state, feeling bad, feeling inadequate, feeling powerless or stuck, all of these states are symptoms of limiting trance states. So by definition we actually take you out of your trance and un-hypnotize you. Dr. Gerard Sunnen of the New York University School of Medicine called hypnosis “the most potent no pharmacological relaxing agent known to science.” The American Medical Association approved hypnosis as an appropriate tool for qualified professionals in 1958.
Hypnosis is simply a relaxed state of focused attention. By temporarily bypassing your conscious mind,it gives you the power to make behavioral changes at a deeper level than when you attempt to make changes at the conscious level.One way to think about it is that hypnosis increases the communication between your conscious desires (like losing weight),and the unconscious mind (where your true power to change exists).

"What Hypnosis Is Not"

It is not mind control,it is not programming you to do bad things,it does not give the hypnotherapist control over you.

“Will I lose control?”

Because of the movies and stage show acts,there is an erroneous perception that you will lose control when using hypnosis or somehow be under the "power" of the therapist. Nothing could be further from the truth.The power lies in y our mind, because while under hypnosis you have greater awareness than when you are fully awake and you retain all the power to select what you want to say or do. You won't do anything in a hypnotic state that you would not find acceptable in your normal awake state.In clinical hypnosis, you will be aware of what is going on and you will find you actually feel you have more control over yourself. The hypnosis is simply increasing your ability to communicate with yourself.
"Hypnosis is not mind control. It's a naturally occurring state of concentration; it's actually a means of enhancing your control over both your mind and your body."
— Dr. David Spiegel, Assoc. Chair of Psychiatry

"How do I know if am actually hypnotized?"

The experience of hypnosis is different for everyone. You might go very deep and not remember the session. In this case, it is obvious that you were under hypnosis. But for many people, hypnosis is much like reading a good book. You still aware of your environment and your internal dialogue.The depth of the trance has no effect on your results. The best way to notice if the hypnosis is working, in the case of weight loss hypnosis,is to notice your decisions during the day surrounding food and exercise. Gradually, it will be easier and easier to make the right decisions – but you will NOT be under anyones control !

“How will I get out of the hypnotic trance?”

You go into hypnotic trances every day naturally and come out naturally. For example,when you drive long distances and time just goes by because you are lost in thought,when suddenly you pop back in and wonder how you got to where you are.The trance in my program is very light (much like becoming engrossed in reading a good book).If the phone rings, you would hear it, and then decide whether to get up to answer, or if you would prefer to stay in the focused state of hypnosis.

"Can I listen to your hypnosis CD"S while sleeping?”

It is not a good idea to listen to the hypnosis sessions while lying down to go to bed. If you fall asleep,the sessions will not be effective. A great time to listen is in the morningwhen you wake up, or in the evening when you get home from work.

“Can I listen while driving?”

Absolutely not.
Never listen to a hypnosis session while driving or engaged in any activity that requires your attention. Please listen in a quiet place where you will be undisturbed, without operating a vehicle or any dangerous machine

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Decide to Change

What if you really knew that you are the master your own destiny? When I say "knew" I don't mean in the philosophical or intellectual sense but as definitive knowing, having absolutely no doubt in your mind. When you realize, that you can just by choosing to do something that more reflects what you want instead of what you are trying to avoid; you can create a life that you are eager to greet each day. Your fulfillment starts with this single decision; I choose to change what is not in alignment with my highest good. When you decided to change and commit to change what is not working in your life; you will begin the process of transforming your world to more reflect your dreams and aspirations and so it becomes something not to fear but an instinct worth embracing with confidence and self-trust. Yet actively choosing our own paths can sometimes seem daunting. So often we will do nothing in order not to risk making the wrong choice. And when we fail to choose a path and we do nothing, we are actually making a choice; only that choice is to remain in the status quo. Change just one self defeating habits a month and you will see a new world open up for you.
Almost synonymous with the fear of change is the fear of failure. Many people feel worried and anxious when they even think of undertaking new challenges because they doubt their abilities, their intelligence, their self-worth, or their capacity to overcome obstacles that may arise. They fear not measuring up, making a mistake, and being judged and humiliated. All these fear result from imagining that they will happen, mentally creating a future outcome that supports the worst case scenario. The possibility of failure threatens to dislodge their already low sense of worth and therefore does not merit the risk. Conversely, when self-worth is strong, fear may still exist, but it no longer has the power to destabilize forward movement. "Failure" is perceived as a temporary setback or as a potential learning experience. Strong self-esteem enables individuals to focus on taking the steps necessary to ensure success, expressing itself in an unfolding of the self, the ability to strive, learn, and embrace new challenges and experiences.

Fear of success is the flip-side of fear of failure. Many people are ultimately afraid of unleashing their full potential, not because they fear they will fail, but because they fear their power and their ability to succeed. They fear forging ahead and blazing their own trails, turning their dreams into reality. The idea of embracing happiness and truly succeeding may evoke many limiting beliefs stemming from low self-worth. For instance, many people doubt whether they deserve happiness or whether sustained happiness is even possible. Or, they worry that success may somehow "taint" them. Others dwell on the potentially negative reaction of their friends and family members, concerned about losing love and acceptance due to envy, jealousy, and resentment. Their need for external validation may cause them to choose to compromise themselves and their dreams rather than risk the possibility of jeopardizing the "acceptance" they cling to. Such beliefs tap into deep-seated self-doubt, and often result in self-sabotage.

Restricting one's abilities and withholding one's brilliance truly serves no one. As Nelson Mandela stated in his Inaugural speech, "We ask ourselves - who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

When we come from a place of non-negotiable self worth and trust, fear of failure and fear of success give way to faith in ourselves, the Universe, and the process of life. We are able to tap into inner resources, take risks, push past limitations, and forge ahead. The unknown is perceived as a challenging, exciting adventure.
So the catalyst for real change is to begin to examine your core beliefs and your habits in relationship to your goals and notice if they are alignment .The UN Method Belief and Habit mapping process will guide you to uncover yourself defeating core beliefs and underlying supporting thoughts and resulting habit patterns and provide you the tools to make lasting change.

Friday, July 31, 2009


Think about all the time you waste worrying about things, that never come to pass, or weren't as bad as you imagined.The key word here is imagined.I have found that worrying is probably the most universal form of self-sabotage. It is a worst case scenario, fear-based, self-destructive mind-set. Focused on perceived potential problems or dangers, it projects perceived limitations of self, or worst case scenario into the future. What happens when we go out into the future Pseudo orienting in time, our mind does not know it is not happening; instead we get all the attending feelings as if what we fear is true and happening in the moment hence, we go into flight and fight response and that fuels fear and anxiety.

Chronic worrying not only generates unease, anxiety, and fear, but can also limit clear thinking and perception, block creativity, and result in inefficiency and inaction. Despite the fact that many people are aware that worry is wasted mental energy, they often continue to worry because they perceive it to be beneficial on some level.

Worrying typically has its roots in outdated protective or modeled strategies adopted in childhood. Some people began worrying as children as a form of hyper-vigilance, usually arising from an emotionally unstable family environment. Worry may also have been used to envision possible future scenarios in order to prevent, avoid, or protect from unpredictable negative experiences. These strategies are fundamentally grounded in childhood feelings of powerlessness, self-doubt, and lack of self-confidence in one's ability to deal with life.

Worrying may also have been employed as a strategy to protect against the rejection and hurt associated with making mistakes. In childhood, some people were humiliated, blamed, or punished when they made an error. They did not learn that mistakes can be a part of growth and change. Rather, they learned to associate making mistakes with experiencing pain. As a result, worrying may have been developed as an attempt to avoid making future errors.

As children, some people subconsciously internalized their parents' worried mind-sets and beliefs. When I was young, my parents worried constantly, and I subconsciously adopted their anxious perspective as my own. The behavior modeled by his parents led him to believe that thinking and worrying were synonymous with being a good parent so when I had children I worried about them. A client came to see me to address her feelings of constant agitation at work. In her session, she discovered that her demanding father had only believed she was trying hard at her homework when she appeared to be worrying about it. As a result, she had subconsciously equated worrying with trying her best, and this limiting belief had been manifesting ever since.

Worry is so universally pervasive that many people take it for granted as a normal part of who they are. Upon conscious reflection, many of my clients report that more than half of their waking hours are consumed by worry. They also find that their sleep is disturbed by worry-filled dreams. No wonder they typically report feeling fatigued and worn out! Compulsive worrying is mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausting. Not only can worry snowball into nervousness, anxiety, and even depression, it can also manifest physiologically in symptoms such as compromised immune function, insomnia, fatigue, headaches, body tension, teeth grinding, nail biting, and increased blood pressure. Constant worrying can interfere with one's ability to think clearly, inhibit decision-making, and tie up inner resources such as creativity (used to concoct many possible future scenarios), analysis (used to interpret these scenarios), and concentration (required to focus on these scenarios), etc.

Although worrying can be self-defeating and destructive, it often persists unabated because many people consciously and/or subconsciously believe that worrying is beneficial. One easy way to reveal your beliefs about worrying is to consider what you think would happen if you stopped worrying. Common responses I hear are, "If I didn't worry, it would mean I was cold and callous and didn't care about my family" or "If I didn't worry, I would just let everything go and my life would be chaotic."As these examples indicate, worrying has been falsely equated with being loving, caring, responsible, and in control. Worrying has also been mistaken for planning, problem-solving, analyzing, learning, and self-improvement. In truth, however, worry is none of the above. Worry is simply worry.

Chronic worrying is symptomatic of underlying limiting beliefs and deeply held automatic patterns entrenched in the subconscious mind. When these fear-based beliefs are healed, self-confidence, creativity, and self-trust are restored. All of the personal talents, abilities, and qualities that have been blanketed by worry can be liberated, making it possible for people to think more clearly, see more options, experience being more in command of them, and live more fully. Freed from the emotional and mental burdens of worrying, people can embrace the present and face the future with greater inner security, knowing they can rise to any occasion, come what may.