Posts
Inflexibility
When we set inflexible rules and we turn desires into needs we cause ourselves and others unnecessary emotional pain. When preferences become musts, guidelines become unbending rules and should we are turning wants into needs is this is called demanding.
What Is Demanding?
Demanding is a way of thinking - with two variations: ‘moralizing’ and ‘must’ing.
Moralizing: refers to the way humans turn guidelines (which may be perfectly reasonable and helpful) into absolute demands and requirements. When we say that something ‘should’ or ‘ought’ to be a certain way, it implies that there is a ‘Law ‘which humans should never fail to observe and that there is only one way for people to behave ,think or act. Moralizing often leads to people-rating and criticizing; when we or others do not behave as we ‘ought to’, this means we label ourselves or others as flawed, bad, immoral ,wrong or evil.
“Must”ing: is taking a want or desire and turning it into an absolute need or must. We think that because we want to be liked, therefore we must be liked; or because we want to avoid pain, therefore we must avoid it at all costs. Awfulizing usually goes along with musts - we erroneously believe that it would be awful or intolerable if our ‘needs’ were not met.
Demands Are Exaggerated Preferences
Rules and wants are an everyday fact of life. They can be helpful or unhelpful, reasonable or unreasonable. A particular ‘rule for living’ may be relevant to our current circumstances - or it may be outdated and no longer relevant or useful. A want is a preference; it can be achievable, or impossible. Whether or not our rules and wants are appropriate they are unlikely to cause us any problems.
Problems arise when we inflate our preferences into needs just because we want/demand the world/people to be and behave a certain way and we beleive that it “should be” so and we demand it. This distortion comes from the idea that If we desire something, then we must have it. This is the heart of demanding - the exaggeration of a preference into a necessity.
The Cost of Demanding
In the real world things often are different than how we would like them to be. By turning our wants into demands, we set ourselves up to be frustrated by reality. In fact, demanding is the underlying cause of many human problems.
Take anxiety. We often catastrophize about what will happen if a need is not met or a rule is broken. We tend to try to over control . We get anxious by demanding rigid standards - especially when we think we might feel guilty or put ourselves down if we do not match up. Performance demands can make us so uptight, our achievement level drops. We set ourselves up for failure.
Demanding can lead to obsessive or compulsive behaviors - reading a boring book right through, finishing a meal when already full, over-checking the locks at night to ensure security, washing one’s hands all the time to avoid infection, vacuuming the house twice a day, and the like. People often keep on with things that are not in their interests because they think they have no choice.
Demanding is the main cause of hostile anger. We get angry when our ‘needs’ are not met, or when people do not behave as we think they ‘should’. One can often turn this anger on ourselves and become depressed. Because "shoulds" conflict with wants, we can find it hard to make decisions, ask others for what we want or act on our own wishes. We might do things we dislike out of a sense of duty, but still feel frustrated or resentful.
If we think that we need love, sex, attention, consideration and affection, our demands can turn people off. We can also get resentful or jealous when others do not behave as they ‘ought to’, or when they treat us ‘unfairly’.
Why Do We Demand?
Given that demanding is so unhelpful, why do we do it? To begin with, we are taught to. From our earliest days we are surrounded by "shoulds" and should nots. Most people communicate with others in these terms.Demanding may serve subconscious purposes. It can be a convenient way to justify our wants. Vincent, for instance, found it easier to tell himself and others that he ‘needed’ sex - rather than just admit he wanted it. This also enabled him to put pressure on his wife: ‘I need it so you should give it to me.’ It’s tempting to deny responsibility for our own wants and demand that others give to us because they ‘should’ or it’s their ‘duty’.
Demanding Is A Way To Avoid Thinking.
Instead of working out for ourselves why we might want things to be a certain way, it’s simpler to fall back on: ‘It should be that way.’ We can also use this to push our values on to other people without having to justify them. You cannot argue with a law of the universe.
Demanding may arise from fear. As we saw in the previous chapter, human beings desire physical and emotional comfort. This is fine if we just prefer it. Unfortunately, though, we often tell ourselves that discomfort is awful and intolerable; so, to avoid it, certain things must or must not happen. In effect, we are afraid of our own feelings.
Many people believe that demanding helps motivate them. They use self-talk like: ‘I should get up earlier in the morning’; ‘I must get that project finished tonight’; or ‘I have to make a good job,’ thinking that this will help them get moving. The trouble is it often has the opposite effect. It’s as though one part of you says ‘I should do this,’ but another part says: ‘I will not be bossed around!’ As a result, you resist your own should. Trying to motivate other people with demands often has the same effect - it turns them off.
From Demands to Preferences
You do not need the pain that demanding creates. There is a solution. The first step is to understand what needs are and what are not.
While there are many things we might want, there are, in reality, few things that are absolute necessities. We need air, food, clothing and shelter. We do not ‘need’ success, love, approval, or friends - no matter how much we may want them. Our lives will be better if we have these things, but we can survive without.
You do not have to give up your values
To get rid of your demands does not mean giving up what is important to you. Hold onto your ideas and values - but hold them as preferences.
Stop moralizing about what is ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Take a more practical approach.
Focus On The Outcomes Of Rules, Behaviors, or Decisions.
Ask yourself questions like the following:
•Is this behavior/rule helpful or unhelpful - and in what ways?
•Will it advance or hinder me in achieving my goals?
•Does it create emotions I can handle? Or does it leave me distressed and immobilized?
•Does it promote my own and other’s aims and survival? Or does it lead me to act in harmful ways?
•Does this belief help me keep in touch with the real world? Or does it contain misinterpretations, catastrophizing, demands, or self/other-ratings?
•Is it flexible - does it allow for exceptions when appropriate?
We are not suggesting an attitude of ‘I don't care.’ Guidelines are important. To check out those you took on as a child, and review them as circumstances change, is to show respect for the importance of guiding principles in your life.
Also, a flexible, preferring philosophy is not a self-centered one. It is in your own long-term interests to consider the goals, wants, and concerns of other people (in other words, their preferences) along with your own.
Having Choice
A helpful value is one you have chosen to adopt. It serves some useful purposes. It helps you and others achieve what is important to you both. Above all, it’s a preference rather than a must.
Acceptance
Holding preferences instead of demands means accepting yourself, others, and the world around you. People often misunderstand the idea of acceptance. They think that to accept something means one has to agree with it and give up trying to change it.
But that is not what it means at all. To accept something is to recognize two things: (a) that it exists, and (b) that there is no universal law which says it should not exist. You may not like it. You might want to do something to change it (and perhaps plan to). But you avoid demanding that it not be as it is.
This is important for several reasons. First, if you tell yourself that something should not be the way it is, you are really saying that reality should not exist! Have you ever heard, for instance, people say: ‘You cannot do that’ about something which someone has already done?
Second, it’s helpful to say that you do not like something and would prefer to change it. This can motivate you to take action. But demanding a reality not exist is more likely to create disabling feelings such as despair or hostile anger.
Finally, if you avoid hurting yourself over current realities, you will be better equipped to start changing them.
Getting Demands Back To Preferences
Get those ‘musts’ back into perspective. Here are some examples of demands turned into preferences:
Demand vs Preference
I need to feel good and avoid physical or emotional pain at all times vs I’d prefer to feel good and avoid pain, but demanding this will guarantee that I get uptight!
Everything I do must be to a high standard vsHigh standards are desirable - but not always essential. Making them into musts will only get me anxious (and, probably, inhibit my performance).
Difficulties and handicaps should not exist vs Difficulties and handicaps do exist. Demanding will not make them go away. Better to change them, if possible - otherwise learn to live with them.
I must have love and approval from everyone who is significant to me vs Love and approval are good to have. But they are not essential to my survival. As I will not always get them, better I learn to depend less on them.
If you want something badly enough, then it’s a need vs The ‘need’ exists in my head. If I believe it, though, I will upset myself when my ‘need’ is not met.
Other people must always behave in a correct and right fashion for life to be bearable vs In real life, people do not always behave correctly. There is no reason they should - though many reasons I’d prefer them to.
My circumstances must always be perfect and right for me to be happy vs My circumstances are not always going to suit me. Better to change what I can, otherwise accept what I cannot.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Identifying Coping Strategies
Aversion Strategy
Discounting: the message you send to your partner is that their needs are invalid. They do not have the magnitude the importance of your needs
Withdrawal/Abandonment: The message here is do what I want or I am leaving. Either you threaten to leave physically or you threaten or actually dropout emotionally. The threat of abandonment is so frightening that a partner may be willing to give up a great deal [themselves} to avoid Example I: “I don’t think this is working, If you can’t be there for me when I need you to do something then I don’t think I have any business being in this relationship. {The message is do what I want or you will be alone} Example 2: partner announces they are going to a class reunion the response is.” Do what you want, but I am not interested in going with you. I have some heavy television watching to do. I will see you later. The message.”[Don’t go because I don’t want to and if you don’t do what I want, I am checking out emotionally with the TV:
Threats: With this strategy the partner commits to actively hurting the other as a means of control .The price can be too high in the coin of resentment.
o Example: if you do not do what I want {sexually} then I will find someone who will. [The message do what I want or I’ll hurt you
o Example: If you do not take that job then I will call your family and tell them what a looser you are. The message, 'does what I want or I’ll hurt you
Blaming: The method here is to make your needs the other persons fault Example: “. If you could tell me how you really feel then I would not have to live in this emotional void. Look I am asking you to tell me what is going on with you. Knock, knock anybody in there?’ [The basic message: I feel empty because you are inadequate] Another form of blaming is to make your partners needs their own fault. Example: ‘If you would have gone with me to my mom’s like I asked you too then the car would not have been broken into and you would not have to deal with all this schlepping and insurance issues”. [The message ‘you created the problem now you fix it”]
Belittling/Denigrating: Here the strategy is to make your partner feel foolish and inappropriate for having needs different from yours. Using shame as a lever to control. Example: "Why do you always want to go to the beach when you get a sinus headache every time you go” The message: going to the beach is a stupid thing to want. Example 2: Your friends are all idiots, why can’t we be involved with people who are capable of intelligent conversation. The message; “Your friends have no value give them up.
Guilt tripping: This strategy conveys the message that a partner is a moral failure for not supporting what you want. Example: Sees partner on the couch “I have spent the whole day at work and I came home and spend all my time cleaning to keep this house going and you can’t spend 15 minutes to fix the screen door. You are in love with that couch. I can see your main goal in life is to keep your feet off the floor at all times” The basic message: Look at how hard I work. Your desire to rest is unfair ...you are bad]
Derailing: You respond to your partners l need by switching the conversational focus. The covert message is that the partner’s needs and desire are not worth talking about. Example: I know I know you want more time off from the kids but I have too much going on at work to deal with this right now. I have only two days to get all this work done. Did you get my suit from the cleaners? Tell Susie I want to see a perfect score on her spelling test. [The basic message is my needs are more important]
Projection/ Transference / Shoot the Messenger: You respond to your partner's with anger when they point out a problem that you have chosen to deny or ignore. Being reminded of the need to fix the problem fuels your own guilt. You are angry at the fact that you have the problem in the first place and because you have mixed feelings about how to deal with the issue, you do nothing. And then blame your partner for evoking your feelings of anxiety. You project your own feelings of anxiety as being caused by the person who reminds you of the problem or asks you to when you are about the problem. Instead of taking ownership of your decision and recognizing that you are creating your feelings you, get angry with the messenger. [The basic message is” it’s your entire fault I feel this way. I am not responsible. I am not interested in what you think or feel the only feelings that count are my feelings and I don’t want to have them and you want to make me … you are bad because you remind me.
Identifying Your Role
1. How have you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist
3. How do you participate in perpetuating
4. What do you do to make it worse
Thoughts
Spoken words
Actions
Reactions
Silent intentions
Subsequent behaviors
Payoffs for Indulging Negative Behaviors
I get to look good compared to my partner
It gives an excuse for not trying harder
I don’t have to put in a lot of effort
I can avoid looking to closely at myself
I can’t fail if I don’t try
I can force my partner to leave and look like the good one or victim
I can demand what I want because my partner feels guilty
I look good compared to my partner
I don’t have to make tough choices
I can avoid a confrontation or fight
I secretly enjoy the drama
I can keep my vulnerable parts hidden
I can blame my partner for not having a better life myself
I have an excuse for being unfaithful
My partner leaves me alone
I have an excuse for not spending more time at home
It gives mean excuse for not trying harder
I can’t fail if I don’t try
It serves my partner right
It is safer than facing it
Its easier than fixing it
I am afraid to be alone
I get attention even though it is negative
It hides my own faults
I get people to feel sorry for me
It gives me the upper hand
Discounting: the message you send to your partner is that their needs are invalid. They do not have the magnitude the importance of your needs
Withdrawal/Abandonment: The message here is do what I want or I am leaving. Either you threaten to leave physically or you threaten or actually dropout emotionally. The threat of abandonment is so frightening that a partner may be willing to give up a great deal [themselves} to avoid Example I: “I don’t think this is working, If you can’t be there for me when I need you to do something then I don’t think I have any business being in this relationship. {The message is do what I want or you will be alone} Example 2: partner announces they are going to a class reunion the response is.” Do what you want, but I am not interested in going with you. I have some heavy television watching to do. I will see you later. The message.”[Don’t go because I don’t want to and if you don’t do what I want, I am checking out emotionally with the TV:
Threats: With this strategy the partner commits to actively hurting the other as a means of control .The price can be too high in the coin of resentment.
o Example: if you do not do what I want {sexually} then I will find someone who will. [The message do what I want or I’ll hurt you
o Example: If you do not take that job then I will call your family and tell them what a looser you are. The message, 'does what I want or I’ll hurt you
Blaming: The method here is to make your needs the other persons fault Example: “. If you could tell me how you really feel then I would not have to live in this emotional void. Look I am asking you to tell me what is going on with you. Knock, knock anybody in there?’ [The basic message: I feel empty because you are inadequate] Another form of blaming is to make your partners needs their own fault. Example: ‘If you would have gone with me to my mom’s like I asked you too then the car would not have been broken into and you would not have to deal with all this schlepping and insurance issues”. [The message ‘you created the problem now you fix it”]
Belittling/Denigrating: Here the strategy is to make your partner feel foolish and inappropriate for having needs different from yours. Using shame as a lever to control. Example: "Why do you always want to go to the beach when you get a sinus headache every time you go” The message: going to the beach is a stupid thing to want. Example 2: Your friends are all idiots, why can’t we be involved with people who are capable of intelligent conversation. The message; “Your friends have no value give them up.
Guilt tripping: This strategy conveys the message that a partner is a moral failure for not supporting what you want. Example: Sees partner on the couch “I have spent the whole day at work and I came home and spend all my time cleaning to keep this house going and you can’t spend 15 minutes to fix the screen door. You are in love with that couch. I can see your main goal in life is to keep your feet off the floor at all times” The basic message: Look at how hard I work. Your desire to rest is unfair ...you are bad]
Derailing: You respond to your partners l need by switching the conversational focus. The covert message is that the partner’s needs and desire are not worth talking about. Example: I know I know you want more time off from the kids but I have too much going on at work to deal with this right now. I have only two days to get all this work done. Did you get my suit from the cleaners? Tell Susie I want to see a perfect score on her spelling test. [The basic message is my needs are more important]
Projection/ Transference / Shoot the Messenger: You respond to your partner's with anger when they point out a problem that you have chosen to deny or ignore. Being reminded of the need to fix the problem fuels your own guilt. You are angry at the fact that you have the problem in the first place and because you have mixed feelings about how to deal with the issue, you do nothing. And then blame your partner for evoking your feelings of anxiety. You project your own feelings of anxiety as being caused by the person who reminds you of the problem or asks you to when you are about the problem. Instead of taking ownership of your decision and recognizing that you are creating your feelings you, get angry with the messenger. [The basic message is” it’s your entire fault I feel this way. I am not responsible. I am not interested in what you think or feel the only feelings that count are my feelings and I don’t want to have them and you want to make me … you are bad because you remind me.
Identifying Your Role
1. How have you set up this aspect of your relationship?
2. How have you permitted it to exist
3. How do you participate in perpetuating
4. What do you do to make it worse
Thoughts
Spoken words
Actions
Reactions
Silent intentions
Subsequent behaviors
Payoffs for Indulging Negative Behaviors
I get to look good compared to my partner
It gives an excuse for not trying harder
I don’t have to put in a lot of effort
I can avoid looking to closely at myself
I can’t fail if I don’t try
I can force my partner to leave and look like the good one or victim
I can demand what I want because my partner feels guilty
I look good compared to my partner
I don’t have to make tough choices
I can avoid a confrontation or fight
I secretly enjoy the drama
I can keep my vulnerable parts hidden
I can blame my partner for not having a better life myself
I have an excuse for being unfaithful
My partner leaves me alone
I have an excuse for not spending more time at home
It gives mean excuse for not trying harder
I can’t fail if I don’t try
It serves my partner right
It is safer than facing it
Its easier than fixing it
I am afraid to be alone
I get attention even though it is negative
It hides my own faults
I get people to feel sorry for me
It gives me the upper hand
Identifying Your Cognitive Distortions
Identifying Your Cognitive Distortions
Tunnel Vision: When you filter out all the positive aspects of your partner’s behavior /intentions or the relationship itself and focus exclusively on the parts that feel hurtful or deficient. It is a kind of selective attention where some parts of the picture receive intensive obsession while other parts drop from awareness
Assumed intent: This is mind reading what you think are, the other motives and intention without any direct knowledge
You form an opinion and negative assumption that explains why your partner acts the way they do.
Magnification/Awfulizing: You exaggerate the effects of your partner’s behavior or you focus on future catastrophic possibilities.
Global labeling: Here you place a negative nametag on your partner, a label that acts like a global indictment of their personality or performance. Global labels not only criticize behavior, they tar the identity of the spouse. Example he is lazy, she is negative, a complainer, neurotic, crazy, a nagger, a liar etc
Good/ Bad Dichotomizing: You sense reality in simple back and white. Your partner’s behavior is good or bad, wrong or right. Good means that it meets your need bad means it does not. Once these labels are attached, it is hard to see all the complex motivations and needs that influence every interpersonal event.
Fractured Logic/Complex Equivalence: This is when you take an event or behavior and attach an unsubstantiated explanation on it. He is late that means he does‘t love me .We are not getting along that means we are heading for a divorce. She is upset that means she hates me.
Control Fallacies: Here your thoughts pull to one of two extremes. Either you see yourself as very responsible for your partner’s needs, feelings and happiness (and therefore a failure if there are any problems in these areas) or you feel out of control and helpless to make positive changes for your self or your partner either end of the controlling continuum gets you in trouble. Either you are to blame for everything or you feel powerless because you feel your partner is in control.
Tunnel Vision: When you filter out all the positive aspects of your partner’s behavior /intentions or the relationship itself and focus exclusively on the parts that feel hurtful or deficient. It is a kind of selective attention where some parts of the picture receive intensive obsession while other parts drop from awareness
Assumed intent: This is mind reading what you think are, the other motives and intention without any direct knowledge
You form an opinion and negative assumption that explains why your partner acts the way they do.
Magnification/Awfulizing: You exaggerate the effects of your partner’s behavior or you focus on future catastrophic possibilities.
Global labeling: Here you place a negative nametag on your partner, a label that acts like a global indictment of their personality or performance. Global labels not only criticize behavior, they tar the identity of the spouse. Example he is lazy, she is negative, a complainer, neurotic, crazy, a nagger, a liar etc
Good/ Bad Dichotomizing: You sense reality in simple back and white. Your partner’s behavior is good or bad, wrong or right. Good means that it meets your need bad means it does not. Once these labels are attached, it is hard to see all the complex motivations and needs that influence every interpersonal event.
Fractured Logic/Complex Equivalence: This is when you take an event or behavior and attach an unsubstantiated explanation on it. He is late that means he does‘t love me .We are not getting along that means we are heading for a divorce. She is upset that means she hates me.
Control Fallacies: Here your thoughts pull to one of two extremes. Either you see yourself as very responsible for your partner’s needs, feelings and happiness (and therefore a failure if there are any problems in these areas) or you feel out of control and helpless to make positive changes for your self or your partner either end of the controlling continuum gets you in trouble. Either you are to blame for everything or you feel powerless because you feel your partner is in control.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Identify your Defense Style:
Identify your Defense Style:
When events and interactions make you aware of a feeling that you have labeled as bad, hurt or angry, you will to defend against it in the same way you that you choose to respond to your parental environment. Your experience has taught you that using this defense will block or diminish how bad you feel. The defenses most typically used in intimate relationships are avoidance, denial, and acting out [turning a feeling into behavior]
Feelings triggered by intimate relationships where people defend:
Rejection or abandonment,Guilt
Hurt.Shame or humiliation
Feeling unlovable or unworthy,Failure
Loneliness, Jealousy
Emptiness, Numbness or deadness
Feeling drained, Feeling wrong or bad
Feeling controlled or engulfed, Sadness
Fear, Loss
Identify your Defenses
Avoidance Defense
§ Turning Away: You turn your focus to outside relationships family, friends or instead of your partner
§ Turning off: This defense uses coldness and emotional withdrawal to protect from painful feelings
§ Triangulating: This involves adding a third person to the dyad. You begin to invest romantic or sexual energy in someone outside of your relationship
§ Addiction: Addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping and virtually any form of excitement as a way of coping with painful feelings.
§ Compulsive Activity: Workaholics, projects, hobbies, sports and virtually any enterprise that siphons time at the expense of the relationship.
§ Giving up: This defense involves stopping all effort, going on strike or waving the white flag of surrender
Denial Defense
§ Showing Nothing: There are two version of this defense;
§ In the first, you fear rejection and avoid revealing anything about yourself. In the other version it involves situations where you feel hurt and angry but do not let your partner know they got to you.
§ Compliance: In this case the effort is to be perfect, pleasing, placating. Accommodating. To be what ever the partner wants. The hope is if you are perfect then no one can hurt you. At the root of this is feeling unlovable.
§ Competing: This defense requires that you be better than you partner is; a better parent more creative, more generous to compensate for deep feelings of unworthiness
§ Boasting. This defense is very closely associated to competing but it is more brazen. The effort is to block feelings of unworthiness by constantly pointing to evidence of ones value.
§ Distracting: In this defense, you derail attention from
any situation or issue that triggers painful feelings. Rather than experiencing the feelings one would change the subject
§ Forgetting: You let important, but disturbing things slip out of your mind. If example someone admonishes you and you begin to feel badly about yourself you would handle the painful feeling by promptly forgetting everything they said.
Acting Out Defense
§ Attacking: This defense turns pain into anger either verbal or physical. You push painful feelings, like helpless, inadequate, or powerless, away with anger.
§ Passive aggressive: This defense acts out anger indirectly. The idea is to hurt your partner in a way that will not trigger blame or backlash. Blaming another is central to this defense.
§ Fault Finding: In a defense you act out hurt or angry feeling by criticizing, ridiculing. Or sarcastically belittling your partner. Finding fault is passionless anger.
§ Revenge In this defense you act out hurt or angry feelings by consciously planning strategies designed to hurt your partner at some future time.
§ Demanding: People who are fearful of rejection, abandonment, or hurt often cope by demanding. They act out their fear by requiring that a partner provide a high degree of support, help or attention. Another version of the demanding is over control. This strategy is often used jealousy is a factor The jealous partner seeks to diminish their fear by monitoring and controlling the relationship
§ Self-Blame: This defense can be summarized, as “You are right I’m awful." You cope with your fears of rejection by rejecting yourself first. When you are excoriating yourself the other person may take it in like a form of manipulation rather than an honest admission.
When events and interactions make you aware of a feeling that you have labeled as bad, hurt or angry, you will to defend against it in the same way you that you choose to respond to your parental environment. Your experience has taught you that using this defense will block or diminish how bad you feel. The defenses most typically used in intimate relationships are avoidance, denial, and acting out [turning a feeling into behavior]
Feelings triggered by intimate relationships where people defend:
Rejection or abandonment,Guilt
Hurt.Shame or humiliation
Feeling unlovable or unworthy,Failure
Loneliness, Jealousy
Emptiness, Numbness or deadness
Feeling drained, Feeling wrong or bad
Feeling controlled or engulfed, Sadness
Fear, Loss
Identify your Defenses
Avoidance Defense
§ Turning Away: You turn your focus to outside relationships family, friends or instead of your partner
§ Turning off: This defense uses coldness and emotional withdrawal to protect from painful feelings
§ Triangulating: This involves adding a third person to the dyad. You begin to invest romantic or sexual energy in someone outside of your relationship
§ Addiction: Addictions to food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping and virtually any form of excitement as a way of coping with painful feelings.
§ Compulsive Activity: Workaholics, projects, hobbies, sports and virtually any enterprise that siphons time at the expense of the relationship.
§ Giving up: This defense involves stopping all effort, going on strike or waving the white flag of surrender
Denial Defense
§ Showing Nothing: There are two version of this defense;
§ In the first, you fear rejection and avoid revealing anything about yourself. In the other version it involves situations where you feel hurt and angry but do not let your partner know they got to you.
§ Compliance: In this case the effort is to be perfect, pleasing, placating. Accommodating. To be what ever the partner wants. The hope is if you are perfect then no one can hurt you. At the root of this is feeling unlovable.
§ Competing: This defense requires that you be better than you partner is; a better parent more creative, more generous to compensate for deep feelings of unworthiness
§ Boasting. This defense is very closely associated to competing but it is more brazen. The effort is to block feelings of unworthiness by constantly pointing to evidence of ones value.
§ Distracting: In this defense, you derail attention from
any situation or issue that triggers painful feelings. Rather than experiencing the feelings one would change the subject
§ Forgetting: You let important, but disturbing things slip out of your mind. If example someone admonishes you and you begin to feel badly about yourself you would handle the painful feeling by promptly forgetting everything they said.
Acting Out Defense
§ Attacking: This defense turns pain into anger either verbal or physical. You push painful feelings, like helpless, inadequate, or powerless, away with anger.
§ Passive aggressive: This defense acts out anger indirectly. The idea is to hurt your partner in a way that will not trigger blame or backlash. Blaming another is central to this defense.
§ Fault Finding: In a defense you act out hurt or angry feeling by criticizing, ridiculing. Or sarcastically belittling your partner. Finding fault is passionless anger.
§ Revenge In this defense you act out hurt or angry feelings by consciously planning strategies designed to hurt your partner at some future time.
§ Demanding: People who are fearful of rejection, abandonment, or hurt often cope by demanding. They act out their fear by requiring that a partner provide a high degree of support, help or attention. Another version of the demanding is over control. This strategy is often used jealousy is a factor The jealous partner seeks to diminish their fear by monitoring and controlling the relationship
§ Self-Blame: This defense can be summarized, as “You are right I’m awful." You cope with your fears of rejection by rejecting yourself first. When you are excoriating yourself the other person may take it in like a form of manipulation rather than an honest admission.
Fear of Change
We are the masters of our own destiny, yet actively choosing our own paths can sometimes be intimidating. People have the ability to create positive changes in their lives, yet distorted fear-based perceptions often act as a road block ,so intertia sets in Fear of failure and fear of success are two common aspects of the fear of change, both reflecting similar negative beliefs of low self-worth and self-doubt. When strong self-worth is present, however, change can be welcomed as an opportunity for growth, forward movement, and personal fulfilment. Almost synonymous with the fear of change is the fear of failure. Many people feel worried and anxious when they even think of undertaking new challenges because they doubt their abilities, their intelligence, their self-worth, or their capacity to overcome obstacles that may arise. They fear not measuring up, making a mistake, and being judged and humiliated. The possibility of failure threatens to dislodge their already low sense of worth and therefore does not merit the risk. Conversely, when self-worth is strong, fear may still exist, but it no longer has the power to destabilize forward movement. "Failure" is perceived as a temporary setback or as a potential learning experience. Strong self-esteem enables individuals to focus on taking the steps necessary to ensure success, expressing itself in an unfolding of the self, the ability to strive, learn, and embrace new challenges and experiences. Fear of success is the flip-side of fear of failure. Many people are ultimately afraid of expereincing their full potential, not because they fear they will fail, but because they fear their power and their ability to succeed. They fear forging ahead , turning their dreams into reality. The idea of embracing happiness and truly succeeding may evoke many limiting beliefs stemming from low self-worth. For instance, many people doubt whether they deserve happiness or whether sustained happiness is even possible. Or, they worry that success may somehow "taint" them. Others dwell on the potentially negative reaction of their friends and family members, concerned about losing love and acceptance due to envy, jealousy, and resentment. Their need for external validation may cause them to choose to compromise themselves and their dreams rather than risk the possibility of jeopardizing the "acceptance" they cling to. Such beliefs tap into deep-seated self-doubt, and often result in self-sabotage.Restricting one's abilities and withholding one's brilliance truly serves no one. As Nelson Mandela stated in his Inaugural speech, "We ask ourselves - who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."When we come from a place of non-negotiable self worth and trust, fear of failure and fear of success give way to faith in ourselves, the Universe, and the process of life. We are able to tap into inner resources, take risks, push past limitations, and forge ahead. The unknown is perceived as a challenging, exciting adventure. Change becomes something not to fear but an instinct worth embracing with confidence and self-trust.
We are the masters of our own destiny, yet actively choosing our own paths can sometimes be intimidating. People have the ability to create positive changes in their lives, yet distorted fear-based perceptions often act as a road block ,so intertia sets in Fear of failure and fear of success are two common aspects of the fear of change, both reflecting similar negative beliefs of low self-worth and self-doubt. When strong self-worth is present, however, change can be welcomed as an opportunity for growth, forward movement, and personal fulfilment. Almost synonymous with the fear of change is the fear of failure. Many people feel worried and anxious when they even think of undertaking new challenges because they doubt their abilities, their intelligence, their self-worth, or their capacity to overcome obstacles that may arise. They fear not measuring up, making a mistake, and being judged and humiliated. The possibility of failure threatens to dislodge their already low sense of worth and therefore does not merit the risk. Conversely, when self-worth is strong, fear may still exist, but it no longer has the power to destabilize forward movement. "Failure" is perceived as a temporary setback or as a potential learning experience. Strong self-esteem enables individuals to focus on taking the steps necessary to ensure success, expressing itself in an unfolding of the self, the ability to strive, learn, and embrace new challenges and experiences. Fear of success is the flip-side of fear of failure. Many people are ultimately afraid of expereincing their full potential, not because they fear they will fail, but because they fear their power and their ability to succeed. They fear forging ahead , turning their dreams into reality. The idea of embracing happiness and truly succeeding may evoke many limiting beliefs stemming from low self-worth. For instance, many people doubt whether they deserve happiness or whether sustained happiness is even possible. Or, they worry that success may somehow "taint" them. Others dwell on the potentially negative reaction of their friends and family members, concerned about losing love and acceptance due to envy, jealousy, and resentment. Their need for external validation may cause them to choose to compromise themselves and their dreams rather than risk the possibility of jeopardizing the "acceptance" they cling to. Such beliefs tap into deep-seated self-doubt, and often result in self-sabotage.Restricting one's abilities and withholding one's brilliance truly serves no one. As Nelson Mandela stated in his Inaugural speech, "We ask ourselves - who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."When we come from a place of non-negotiable self worth and trust, fear of failure and fear of success give way to faith in ourselves, the Universe, and the process of life. We are able to tap into inner resources, take risks, push past limitations, and forge ahead. The unknown is perceived as a challenging, exciting adventure. Change becomes something not to fear but an instinct worth embracing with confidence and self-trust.
Monday, January 19, 2009
How Vulnerable Are You To Stress Test
How Vulnerable Are You To Stress?
In modern society, most of us can't avoid stress. But we can learn to behave in ways that lessen its effects. Researchers have identified a number of factors that affect one's vulnerability to stress - among them are eating and sleeping habits, caffeine and alcohol intake, and how we express our emotions. The following questionnaire is designed to help you discover your vulnerability quotient and to pinpoint trouble spots. Rate each item from 1 (always) to 5 (never), according to how much of the time the statement is true of you. Be sure to mark each item, even if it does not apply to you - for example, if you don't smoke, circle 1 next to item six.
Always
Sometimes
Never
1. I eat at least one hot, balanced meal a day.
1
2
3
4
5
2. I get seven to eight hours of sleep at least four nights a week.
1
2
3
4
5
3. I give and receive affection regularly.
1
2
3
4
5
4. I have at least one relative within 50 miles, on whom I can rely.
1
2
3
4
5
5. I exercise to the point of perspiration at least twice a week.
1
2
3
4
5
6. I limit myself to less than half a pack of cigarettes a day.
1
2
3
4
5
7. I take fewer than five alcohol drinks a week.
1
2
3
4
5
8. I am the appropriate weight for me height.
1
2
3
4
5
9. I have an income adequate to meet basic expenses.
1
2
3
4
5
10. I get strength from my religious beliefs.
1
2
3
4
5
11. I regularly attend club or social activities.
1
2
3
4
5
12. I have a network of friends and acquaintances.
1
2
3
4
5
13. I have one or more friends to confide in about personal matters.
1
2
3
4
5
14. I am in good health (including eye-sight, hearing, teeth).
1
2
3
4
5
15. I am able to speak openly about my feelings when angry or worried.
1
2
3
4
5
16. I have regular conversations with the people I live with about domestic problems - for example, chores and money.
1
2
3
4
5
17. I do something for fun at least once a week.
1
2
3
4
5
18. I am able to organize my time effectively.
1
2
3
4
5
19. I drink fewer than three cups of coffee (or other caffeine-rich drinks) a day.
1
2
3
4
5
20. I take some quite time for myself during the day.
1
2
3
4
5
To get your score, add up the figures and subtract 20. A score below 10 indicates excellent resistance to stress. A score over 30 indicates some vulnerability to stress; you are seriously vulnerable if your score is over 50. You can make yourself less vulnerable by reviewing the items on which you scored three of higher and trying to modify them. Notice that nearly all them describe situations and behaviors over which you have a great deal of control. Concentrate first on those that are easiest to change - for example, eating a hot, balanced meal daily and having fun at least once a week - before tackling those that seem difficult.
Source:University of California, Berkeley Wellness Letter, August, 1985. Scale Developers: Lyle Miller and Alma Dell Smith of Boston University Medical Center.
In modern society, most of us can't avoid stress. But we can learn to behave in ways that lessen its effects. Researchers have identified a number of factors that affect one's vulnerability to stress - among them are eating and sleeping habits, caffeine and alcohol intake, and how we express our emotions. The following questionnaire is designed to help you discover your vulnerability quotient and to pinpoint trouble spots. Rate each item from 1 (always) to 5 (never), according to how much of the time the statement is true of you. Be sure to mark each item, even if it does not apply to you - for example, if you don't smoke, circle 1 next to item six.
Always
Sometimes
Never
1. I eat at least one hot, balanced meal a day.
1
2
3
4
5
2. I get seven to eight hours of sleep at least four nights a week.
1
2
3
4
5
3. I give and receive affection regularly.
1
2
3
4
5
4. I have at least one relative within 50 miles, on whom I can rely.
1
2
3
4
5
5. I exercise to the point of perspiration at least twice a week.
1
2
3
4
5
6. I limit myself to less than half a pack of cigarettes a day.
1
2
3
4
5
7. I take fewer than five alcohol drinks a week.
1
2
3
4
5
8. I am the appropriate weight for me height.
1
2
3
4
5
9. I have an income adequate to meet basic expenses.
1
2
3
4
5
10. I get strength from my religious beliefs.
1
2
3
4
5
11. I regularly attend club or social activities.
1
2
3
4
5
12. I have a network of friends and acquaintances.
1
2
3
4
5
13. I have one or more friends to confide in about personal matters.
1
2
3
4
5
14. I am in good health (including eye-sight, hearing, teeth).
1
2
3
4
5
15. I am able to speak openly about my feelings when angry or worried.
1
2
3
4
5
16. I have regular conversations with the people I live with about domestic problems - for example, chores and money.
1
2
3
4
5
17. I do something for fun at least once a week.
1
2
3
4
5
18. I am able to organize my time effectively.
1
2
3
4
5
19. I drink fewer than three cups of coffee (or other caffeine-rich drinks) a day.
1
2
3
4
5
20. I take some quite time for myself during the day.
1
2
3
4
5
To get your score, add up the figures and subtract 20. A score below 10 indicates excellent resistance to stress. A score over 30 indicates some vulnerability to stress; you are seriously vulnerable if your score is over 50. You can make yourself less vulnerable by reviewing the items on which you scored three of higher and trying to modify them. Notice that nearly all them describe situations and behaviors over which you have a great deal of control. Concentrate first on those that are easiest to change - for example, eating a hot, balanced meal daily and having fun at least once a week - before tackling those that seem difficult.
Source:University of California, Berkeley Wellness Letter, August, 1985. Scale Developers: Lyle Miller and Alma Dell Smith of Boston University Medical Center.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Why Good Vibrations May Protect Mankind
In his book 'Power vs Force', David Hawkins calibrates people's emotions from levels 20 up to 1000. 20 being Shame which is perilously proximate to death. It’s destructive to emotional and psychological health, and makes us prone to physical illness.
At the other end of the scale at 700- 1000 is enlightenment. This is the level of the Great Ones such as Krishna, Buddha and Jesus. It is the peak of the evolutionary consciousness in the human realm.
All levels (which could be classed as vibration levels) below 200 are said to be energy draining, and below integrity. These vary from Guilt (30), Grief (75), Fear (100) up to Pride (175).
People feel positive as they reach Pride level. However Pride feels good only in contrast to the lower levels. Pride is defensive and vulnerable because it’s dependent upon external conditions, without which is can suddenly revert to a lower level.
At the 200 level, power first appears. Courage (200) is the zone of exploration, accomplishment, fortitude, and determination. People at this level put back into the world as much energy as they take; at the lower levels, populations as well as individuals drain energy from society without reciprocating.
Further levels include willingness (310), Acceptance (350) and Love (500).
This level is characterized by the development of a Love that is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It doesn’t fluctuate – its source isn’t dependent on external factors. Loving is a state of being. This is the level of true happiness.
Interesting facts from the book -
* The concept and theories behind these experiments were conducted over a 20 year period using a variety of Kinesiology tests and examinations.
* Kinesiology has an almost certain 100% accuracy reading every time. It will always reveal Yes, No, True, and False answers.
* Collective Consciousness: These experiments reveal that there is a higher power that connects everything and everyone.
* Everything calibrates at certain levels from weak to high including books, food, water, clothes, people, animals, buildings, cars, movies, sports, music etc.
* 85% of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200.
* The overall average level of human consciousness stands at 207.
* Human consciousness was dangling at below the 200 level (190) for many centuries before it suddenly rose up to its present level some time in the mid 1980s. Hence Nostradamus’s end of the world predictions may have been avoided (he made his predictions at a time when human consciousness was at below the 200 level). For the world to stay at levels below 200 over a prolonged period of time would cause a great imbalance that would undoubtedly lead to the destruction of all humanity.
* The power of the few individuals at the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses.
* 1 individual at level 300 counterbalances 90,000 individuals below level 200
* 1 individual at level 500 counterbalances 750,000 individuals below level 200
* 1 individual at level 700 counterbalances 70 million individuals below level 200
In other words, as a co creator of the world, if you vibrate at 200 and above you will be helping to raise the consciousness of mankind, and be a big part in creating a better world for everyone.
----------------------------------------------------------
Get a free Alpha Mind Control mp3, originally created to help soldiers with post traumatic stress disorder. This powerful audio will help you reach deep levels of alpha brainwaves, helping you to become more creative and aware. It's good for your health too. It can help you sleep better, boost your immune system and make you feel good.
It will help also raise your consciousness levels...
http://www.supermindevolutionsystem.com/page1
At the other end of the scale at 700- 1000 is enlightenment. This is the level of the Great Ones such as Krishna, Buddha and Jesus. It is the peak of the evolutionary consciousness in the human realm.
All levels (which could be classed as vibration levels) below 200 are said to be energy draining, and below integrity. These vary from Guilt (30), Grief (75), Fear (100) up to Pride (175).
People feel positive as they reach Pride level. However Pride feels good only in contrast to the lower levels. Pride is defensive and vulnerable because it’s dependent upon external conditions, without which is can suddenly revert to a lower level.
At the 200 level, power first appears. Courage (200) is the zone of exploration, accomplishment, fortitude, and determination. People at this level put back into the world as much energy as they take; at the lower levels, populations as well as individuals drain energy from society without reciprocating.
Further levels include willingness (310), Acceptance (350) and Love (500).
This level is characterized by the development of a Love that is unconditional, unchanging, and permanent. It doesn’t fluctuate – its source isn’t dependent on external factors. Loving is a state of being. This is the level of true happiness.
Interesting facts from the book -
* The concept and theories behind these experiments were conducted over a 20 year period using a variety of Kinesiology tests and examinations.
* Kinesiology has an almost certain 100% accuracy reading every time. It will always reveal Yes, No, True, and False answers.
* Collective Consciousness: These experiments reveal that there is a higher power that connects everything and everyone.
* Everything calibrates at certain levels from weak to high including books, food, water, clothes, people, animals, buildings, cars, movies, sports, music etc.
* 85% of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200.
* The overall average level of human consciousness stands at 207.
* Human consciousness was dangling at below the 200 level (190) for many centuries before it suddenly rose up to its present level some time in the mid 1980s. Hence Nostradamus’s end of the world predictions may have been avoided (he made his predictions at a time when human consciousness was at below the 200 level). For the world to stay at levels below 200 over a prolonged period of time would cause a great imbalance that would undoubtedly lead to the destruction of all humanity.
* The power of the few individuals at the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses.
* 1 individual at level 300 counterbalances 90,000 individuals below level 200
* 1 individual at level 500 counterbalances 750,000 individuals below level 200
* 1 individual at level 700 counterbalances 70 million individuals below level 200
In other words, as a co creator of the world, if you vibrate at 200 and above you will be helping to raise the consciousness of mankind, and be a big part in creating a better world for everyone.
----------------------------------------------------------
Get a free Alpha Mind Control mp3, originally created to help soldiers with post traumatic stress disorder. This powerful audio will help you reach deep levels of alpha brainwaves, helping you to become more creative and aware. It's good for your health too. It can help you sleep better, boost your immune system and make you feel good.
It will help also raise your consciousness levels...
http://www.supermindevolutionsystem.com/page1
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